Cricket circa. 2009

A Friend forwarded to me an article with prophetic predictions for the Indian cricket team in a few years time. A hilarious read.


------------------------------------------------------
The Times Of India 14th Feb, 2009:

India is playing in a 5 nation tournament ; the other countries being Uganda, Sudan, Papua new guinea and the mighty Bolivia. Today is a must win match for India against tournament favourites Bolivia for a berth in the semi finals. The winner of the tournament will fight for a place to enter the top 35 rankings in the world.

On the morning of the match, a strategy session is being held by Greg and Rahul. This is how it goes.

Greg: Boys, this is one of the most important matches in the last three years. We have to beat Bolivia. Lets go through the batting line up and the bowling line up in this meeting.

Greg: So Sourav, you will open right?

Sourav: I don't know. Bolivia has a pace bowler who only bowls short pitch deliveries. His pace is consistently in the range 55-60 miles /hour. I cannot handle all that pace.

Greg: Oh, thats ok. He won't dare to bowl short pitch stuff against the Indian batsman (we have such good credentials). If he does by mistake, just to make a statement to the media, get Hit Wicket and come back. Such non sense should not be tolerated.

Greg: So who will partner Sourav.

Rahul: I think Sehwag should. He looked in form in the last game against Sudan. He hit 5 fours between first slip and second slip before he got caught at second slip. I think he is in the pink of his form and he should open.

Greg: Thats good.

Greg: Sachin, you will bat at four ... ok?

Sachin: I don't know.I have to go shopping at 11. That means I can't bat beyond ten overs.

Greg: Sourav and Sehwag will last till six overs. So, you will come then. Don't worry, just play your natural game and follow your instincts. You will go by ten overs.

Greg: So Dhoni, you will keep?

Dhoni: I am not keeping. Last time, I kept for three hours. My hair is getting spoiled. I have thousands of lice in my hair. As a result, the cows in my village have started snubbing me and my advances. These days, dragonflies have started staying in my hair as their food lice is there. I need a haircut, I am not playing.

Greg: Please play just one more match, its the mightly Bolivians, just one last one. Please !

Dhoni: Ok. But don't do this next time.

Greg meanwhile was going through the batting averages and noticed that Dravid had the longest stay at the crease for the last 67 matches. So he asked Dravid to give a presentation in front of the team as to what motivated him so much and what was the secret to his concentration.

Dravid: My wife is extremely ugly. So, I try to stay as long as possible away from her. That is why I play a low risk game (In the last game, he hit 3 runs from 92 balls). If I get out, I have to go back to her.

Everyone starts applauding. What an inspirational cricketer.

Now it is time to decide on the bowling line up.

Greg: Obviously Zaheer is opening. He was brilliant last game. (Zaheer had bowled only 23 wides in the last match and he picked up three wickets. The secret to this brilliant bowling performance was a result of a mentoring session from Venkatesh Prasad. Prasad told him that to bowl from mid off and aim at Third slip. As a result, Zaheer returned with the best figures in the match.)

Greg: Off-late I have noticed that Rahul has been facing a lot of pressure and so we have decided to come up with Batting, Bowling and Fielding Captain to relieve Rahul of some of the responsibility.

Greg: I have noticed that Munaf Patel has stayed not out in the last three matches (all the other batsmen had got out by then). I admire the commitment of this lad and as a result he is the Batting Captain.

Greg: I was also going through this figure. Sourav has been involved in 177 run outs. But he himself has never got out. He values his wicket so much. I think we all need to Congratulate him on the price he sets for his wicket. Sourav, you are the running-between-wickets captain.

Greg: Anil has been sitting on the bench for the last three years. He keeps taking snaps throughout the match. He is such a team-man. I think we need to recognize this loyalty. Anil, you are the Bowling Captain.

Greg: Harbhajan is the fielding captain.

Rahul: But he dropped the catch in the last match when he dived to his right to take it.

Greg: At least he dived in the right direction.

After this intense brainstorming session, India looks all set to take on Bolivia. Please pray for the team's success.

------------------------------------------------------

Turn the page

Scores have perished
In the lust for the bust
Yet another brother
Officially bites the dust.

Yesterday, somewhere around the crack of dawn, a Continental flight inbound from New Delhi made a safe landing on the airstrip of Newark airport and a horde of passengers streamed out, some heading towards the baggage claim area, others towards domestic terminals to catch their connector, while the “racially pretty cool” ones towards Customs and Immigration. Amongst the sea of travelers was a brown man sporting gelled hair and a look of brightness that would belie the weariness that usually comes in the wake of a journey spanning thousands of miles and almost one whole Earth-day.

That hint of sparkle, that extra spring in his step was borne out of realization of a looming change in his marital status. A telepathic person, after translating Bhojpuri into English, could almost hear our man constantly repeat this in his head – “You ain’t gonna use your hand no more! You’re gonna get laid soon!!”

Yes. As we all know, Bhaiyya is one small step away from joining the ever-growing club of single Indian men who are losing their (awfully prolonged period of) single status faster than ever imagined before. The scorecard now reads:

Pushkar Pulastya        b Cupid (lock, stock and below his barrel)
Years: 29
Balls: 2

I can foresee myriad changes in Bhaiyya’s life, hereforth. I can picture him coming home from work, possessed and intoxicated with an aphrodisiacal cocktail of testosterone and oxytocin (one word description - "love"), switching the tube on for recreation and reaching for the remote to turn closed captions on. The American Idol is on and fortunately, he is saved just in time by a commercial break. A Dove ad appears on the screen and with a swish of the wand, no pun intended, Bhaiyya is transported back in time. “Dove” morphs into “Jai” soap and his senses fondly cuddle with a melodic jingle:

Pehla pyaar, Laaye jeevan mein bahaar, Pehla pyaar
Jab tan ko choo-aye, Jaise baatein kare, Pehla pyaar....

With one eye twitching ala “Mungerilal”, he gets lost in his world of imagination. The dulcet tune now shifts gears to one with a faster beat and a sense of purpose. He lets out a gentle smile, his eyelids close and music fills his ears:

Bol sakhi bol tera raaz kya hai
Kya hai teri khushi ka raaz,
Tu bata de mujhko aaj,
Garbh nirodhak goliyaan
Mala-D hai mera raaz

I’m sure the waves of change would cause significant amends to the Winamp playlist on his computer too. Gone are the days of Metallica and their energy and angst, it’s time for Altaf Raja to echo Bhaiyya’s emotions thru this Grammy-deserving number:

Tumse kitna pyaar hai, Dil mein utar kar dekh lo,
Na yakeen aaye to phir, Na yakeen aaye to phir,
Dil badal kar dekh lo

I don’t know the extent of how deep Cupid has entrenched the arrow in his heart but this brilliant Bappi Da's creation might also be in the list of probables:

Pyaar bina chain kahaan re
Pyaar bina chain kahaan re
Sona nahi chaandi nahi pyaar to mila
Arey pyaar kar le

Prior experience tells me Mr. Pulastya is slowly going to develop a seething hatred for Alexander Graham Bell’s invention. I have advised him to buy a stirrup to rest his hand on during marathon sessions, unless of course, he’s holding the device with the hand that has “exclusively” developed muscles over the years much like a tennis player’s serving hand (The only difference is the muscles on his hand have no correlation to Tennis whatsoever!). And considering what’s going to transpire in those talks, I suspect he would need to use his prejudiced muscular hand anyway; so stirrup is going to be the likely solution. A couple of weeks down the road, Bhaiyya would be found calling Verizon customer service, “Uh hello, do you have a plan that could give me 6500 daytime minutes per month??” Phone conversations are gonna be served with generous helpings of flirtatious remarks in Bhojpuri:

“Aapke saath baatein karke bahut sahi-sa lag raha hai…bas ab Maee (“May”, in English) ka intazaar kar raha hoon!”
“Ajee itne natkhat bhi na bano”
“Abhi se hi humse darogi bhagyavaan, to phir shaadi ke baad kya hoga!!”

Getting hold of Bhaiyya on his cell is going to be harder than determining the paternal identity of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter.

Premonition and indiscriminate usage of Kantiesque allusions aside, the truth of the fact is - Bhaiyya has finally shed his skin of singlehood. I saw a couple of pictures last night and indeed, the couple looks very good together - my heartiest congratulations and best wishes to both of them. Apart from hoping our man doesn’t compel Bhabhi to dial 911 on their first night, I also sincerely hope they have a great marital life ahead.

Take it easy, brother!

dhoom dhadaka

this ad was running during Holi.

Divide Pakistan ?

There has been an interesting and even outrageous series of advertisements, articles and even a book detailing the role of Pakistan in fostering terrorism. The author of the book is a France based gentleman called Jamaluddin Syed.

Mr Syed raises some interesting arguments about Pakistan's role in world terrorism - especially pointing to the grooming of the "terrorist mindset". He claims that no other country in the world other than Pakistan - be it N. Korea, Iran or Syria, actually "groom the terrorist mindset" as Pakistan does.

He further delves into the cause of creation of this "terrorist mentality" - arguing that the manner in which Pakistan was created in 1947 had a large role to play.

He also offers an outrageous but interesting solution to the problem - advocating that the International community initiate a division of Pakistan to help curb the terrorist mindset from spreading.

A lot of it ends up sounding very far-fetched - but a very new interpretation none the less.

Check out this site - especially the videos

http://www.dividepakistan.blogspot.com

Disclaimer : All these are the views and opinions expressed by Mr. Jamaluddin on his web site - not necessarily mine.

India Booming !

India's economic march in the past few years needs no introduction - the world has been witnessing it for some time now. But even keeping that in the mind, the sheer force with which India is rising boggles the mind. Just a cursorary look at the Forbes List released today throws up some amazing numbers.

The Ambanis - Mukesh and Anil, are placed at #14 and # 18 this year - last year they were #56 and #104. Anil Ambani has gained a net 12 Billion this year, while Mukesh has gained some 10 Billion. In 365 days. Pause a bit to think that they have not even started their dream projects of setting up mega retail chains and the other mega ventures.

India now has more billionaires than the economic powerhouse of Japan. India has more billionaires in the top 20 list than any other country - bar the US.

But that just covers the the richest of the rich, you say ? - Look again. And look again carefully.

India's GDP is growing at a net rate of about 9 % for quiet some time, the forex reserves have never been higher, and the BSE index breaks some record almost every day you check.

The Infrastructure is growing. The Airline Industry is opening up. India just signed a deal with the US to generate nuclear power. India is one of the premier countries working in the field of rocket science. The Indian pharmaceutical companies are booming - competing to take over the divisions of US Pharmaceutical companies that they would not even dream of competing with 10 years back.

The largest aluminum company in the world now is India's Hindalco. The worlds largest steel company, Mittal Steel, has set its future interests in India. Tata Steel succeded in an outrageous bid to take over the very reason for its former rulers power - British steel - the very company that fueled Britain's Industrial revolution. All the major car manufacturers have their eyes set on India to fund their growth in the coming years. Let us not even speak of the many smaller industries and companies that are trying to get their foot in the door.

This list does not even talk about the software and the services sector. We do not even need to go there.

I had met an american friend when I was in Pune few months back and he had said to me then - "I still do not see what the fuss is about - the roads, the cars, the infrastructure is nowhere near what is present in the western countries "
My reply to him would be this - " Yes - we still have a long way to go, but consider this - If we are doing so well with what we have right now - can you imagine where we will be - when all these problems you talk about are dealt with ? "

To put things into perspective, recall this. The United States - which is an economical behemoth of almost unrealistic proportions, was near bankruptcy by the year 1929/1930. The backbone of the US - its interstate highway system was started in the 1950's. The USA beat USSR to the moon in the 1960's. Thousands of Nuclear weapons were piled up - just as a gentle reminder to the world. By the 1970's , US was one of the foremost powerhouses in the world - powered by a generation of brilliant industrious americans - those that we call the "Industrial Baby Boomers"

Now take a look at Modern India. Post Independance - upto the 1970's India was near bankruptcy. After opening up the economy in the 1990's- the money started flowing in. India developed indigenous missiles, beat Pakistan in the "Nuclear Club" race - oh yeah - our gentle reminder to the rest of the world. The Golden Quadrilateral was completed by 2005. The Railways - managed by a rustic leader - set record profits in 2006.

Lady History loves repeating herself and the stage is perfectly set for India. It is for India to take the lead and set the trail for the next century - and the young generation of Indians have to shoulder the responsibility of acting as the "Software Baby Boomers" of this century. We must not fail her.

Indians form the largest pool of the worlds educated youngsters. Millions of young educated people - living in a free and democratic country. Millions of them eager to get a chance to prove themselves. Millions who, from the very day they are born - are pushed by everyone around towards just one goal - to be successful.

Something is bound to happen - one way or the other. The road ahead is long and a lot has to be done. We all know that no work is done until it is really done.

The world still looks on as India is waking. As India is Rising. She must not forget her tryst with destiny.

Lust

I'm starting to write a new Series on the Seven Deadly Sins.
Here is my first offering - Lust.

Gorging the apple that fell from the tree
Poisoned the minds who were once so free
Enslaved by the serpent and swayed by gust
Forbidden fruit had sown its seeds of lust.

The yearning, the aching, the endless desire
Hordes of angels adding fuel to fire
The Bull forever craves for the garden of Rose
Deflower the lasses to quench all its woes.

Beauty may lie in the eye of the beholder
Adoring only 'one' makes love grow older
Forced to release the bellowing Beast
The fangs of the serpent has roses for feast.

Strutting proudly his scars of virility
Donning the face of a new found nobility
Planting the seeds in each and every womb
The desire rests only when he lies in his tomb.

The apple that fell was coated with decree
Tree of Life pleaded mankind to agree
It’s not in our nature to conform and to trust
Love will erode but eternal is lust.

-Balls