A peek into my pensieve

I’ve had long drawn discussions with my old friends Vcd and Todd about the veracity of the popular notion that “Federer is the best player to have lifted a tennis racquet”. As I so often do, I tend to stick my money in stats from the past. I haven’t seen a player of the class of a Sampras who in the midst of greatness all around him stood head and shoulders above everyone else. Would Sampras be considered as a legend if Federer was playing in the same era? Probably not; but neither would Federer. These are just random musings on the part of an old man though. I still tend to look at facts and the fact is that I can’t get a certain US Open final out of my mind and that is where I need to delve deep into my pensieve to dig out the greatest upset that humbled a cocky Federer.

It was just another fine day in NewYork where the crowd had resigned to yet another youngster’s decimation by the hands of Roger. Little did they realize that this strapping, ebullient, Metro-sexual young man had the talent of a Sampras, the work ethic of a Courier, the grace of Edberg and the determination of a Lendl. Never had one seen the complete package in a wild card entry ever before. He ran like a gazelle covering every inch of concrete with consummate ease. His nonchalant wafts and magical racquet struck a deep chord with the rapacious crowd who egged his mastery and erupted at his opponent’s errors. He was a true son of the soil and the hallowed turf was shrinking its womb to etch his footprint where a vast legion of warriors had succumbed valiantly. The large contingent of Federer-haters including yours truly had finally found their voice after nine gruelling years of staying mute.

Federer face was ashen as if he had just been violated by a 12 inch alpha specimen. His precise if not perfect back hand had completely deserted him, his once feared fore hand was being mauled by incisive ground strokes and his unruffled demeanor was sullied by his rants towards the chair and his incessant frustrated hissing. The first set flew by like the cool autumn breeze that was blowing through the ‘Meadows’. The 6-4 score line against Federer appeared a lot closer than it actually was. Things though did not take a turn towards the worse; the youthful exuberance of the young man and his heart stopping plays lit up the azure sky; reminiscent of Sampras in the days of yore. A running back hand followed a delicate lob, every drop shot was accentuated by a fearsome forehand cross court passing shot and each precise first serve was complimented by an even better array of volleys. The second set was an even shorter affair: 6-2. This was Providence in flesh, justice was being served cold!

I sat there with my mind racing ahead of time imagining this young rookie lifting a rare piece of silverware amidst years of ruthless domination. I quickly snapped out of my halcyon thoughts for fear of bewitching the foreclosure of what lay ahead. But nothing of that nature happened; the best was yet to come. The relentless machine gun fire from the rookie’s racquet kept pace with the racing heart beats of every human being inside the arena. His iridescent presence beneath the luminous floodlights and an incandescent moon bequeathed the master of his glowing past. A 6-0 bagel set in the final was a fitting way to end Federer’s humiliation, just as the way he has humiliated others. The night was young but to me, a new day had already dawned.

The scenes after the young man’s victory are as fresh in my mind as the virgin snow. Even though I’m entering the fag end of my sojourn, I can never forget the euphoria of having seen my closest buddies beat one of the best player’s ever. If only he had continued longer, the question that I posed at the very beginning would have never been raised. He will always, to me, be a man who fought disability to emerge triumphant. That image of him lifting the trophy in one hand and a Jackie Shroffish thumbs-up with the other will forever be etched in my mind. Click here to reminisce a forgotten great.

I salute you my dear friend Marw.

Turn the page

Scores have perished
In the lust for the bust
Yet another brother
Officially bites the dust.

Yesterday, somewhere around the crack of dawn, a Continental flight inbound from New Delhi made a safe landing on the airstrip of Newark airport and a horde of passengers streamed out, some heading towards the baggage claim area, others towards domestic terminals to catch their connector, while the “racially pretty cool” ones towards Customs and Immigration. Amongst the sea of travelers was a brown man sporting gelled hair and a look of brightness that would belie the weariness that usually comes in the wake of a journey spanning thousands of miles and almost one whole Earth-day.

That hint of sparkle, that extra spring in his step was borne out of realization of a looming change in his marital status. A telepathic person, after translating Bhojpuri into English, could almost hear our man constantly repeat this in his head – “You ain’t gonna use your hand no more! You’re gonna get laid soon!!”

Yes. As we all know, Bhaiyya is one small step away from joining the ever-growing club of single Indian men who are losing their (awfully prolonged period of) single status faster than ever imagined before. The scorecard now reads:

Pushkar Pulastya        b Cupid (lock, stock and below his barrel)
Years: 29
Balls: 2

I can foresee myriad changes in Bhaiyya’s life, hereforth. I can picture him coming home from work, possessed and intoxicated with an aphrodisiacal cocktail of testosterone and oxytocin (one word description - "love"), switching the tube on for recreation and reaching for the remote to turn closed captions on. The American Idol is on and fortunately, he is saved just in time by a commercial break. A Dove ad appears on the screen and with a swish of the wand, no pun intended, Bhaiyya is transported back in time. “Dove” morphs into “Jai” soap and his senses fondly cuddle with a melodic jingle:

Pehla pyaar, Laaye jeevan mein bahaar, Pehla pyaar
Jab tan ko choo-aye, Jaise baatein kare, Pehla pyaar....

With one eye twitching ala “Mungerilal”, he gets lost in his world of imagination. The dulcet tune now shifts gears to one with a faster beat and a sense of purpose. He lets out a gentle smile, his eyelids close and music fills his ears:

Bol sakhi bol tera raaz kya hai
Kya hai teri khushi ka raaz,
Tu bata de mujhko aaj,
Garbh nirodhak goliyaan
Mala-D hai mera raaz

I’m sure the waves of change would cause significant amends to the Winamp playlist on his computer too. Gone are the days of Metallica and their energy and angst, it’s time for Altaf Raja to echo Bhaiyya’s emotions thru this Grammy-deserving number:

Tumse kitna pyaar hai, Dil mein utar kar dekh lo,
Na yakeen aaye to phir, Na yakeen aaye to phir,
Dil badal kar dekh lo

I don’t know the extent of how deep Cupid has entrenched the arrow in his heart but this brilliant Bappi Da's creation might also be in the list of probables:

Pyaar bina chain kahaan re
Pyaar bina chain kahaan re
Sona nahi chaandi nahi pyaar to mila
Arey pyaar kar le

Prior experience tells me Mr. Pulastya is slowly going to develop a seething hatred for Alexander Graham Bell’s invention. I have advised him to buy a stirrup to rest his hand on during marathon sessions, unless of course, he’s holding the device with the hand that has “exclusively” developed muscles over the years much like a tennis player’s serving hand (The only difference is the muscles on his hand have no correlation to Tennis whatsoever!). And considering what’s going to transpire in those talks, I suspect he would need to use his prejudiced muscular hand anyway; so stirrup is going to be the likely solution. A couple of weeks down the road, Bhaiyya would be found calling Verizon customer service, “Uh hello, do you have a plan that could give me 6500 daytime minutes per month??” Phone conversations are gonna be served with generous helpings of flirtatious remarks in Bhojpuri:

“Aapke saath baatein karke bahut sahi-sa lag raha hai…bas ab Maee (“May”, in English) ka intazaar kar raha hoon!”
“Ajee itne natkhat bhi na bano”
“Abhi se hi humse darogi bhagyavaan, to phir shaadi ke baad kya hoga!!”

Getting hold of Bhaiyya on his cell is going to be harder than determining the paternal identity of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter.

Premonition and indiscriminate usage of Kantiesque allusions aside, the truth of the fact is - Bhaiyya has finally shed his skin of singlehood. I saw a couple of pictures last night and indeed, the couple looks very good together - my heartiest congratulations and best wishes to both of them. Apart from hoping our man doesn’t compel Bhabhi to dial 911 on their first night, I also sincerely hope they have a great marital life ahead.

Take it easy, brother!

Congratulations Goli !!!

Quote...Unquote

I was reading Quote..Unquote on cricinfo and thought that something of that sort can easily be compiled for the numerous hilarious, some not so hilarous quotes by fellow Freaks (+ non Freaks) over a period of time. Call it either lack of motivation to write about my Sedona mountain jeep ride experience or the inclination to come up with something of my own or maybe just compulsive writing to kick-start Freaks Inc's 2007. People have this uncanny ability to surpass Kubrick or sometimes better Kanti when it comes to deep, thoughtful and insightful comments which are utterly meaningless. More often than not it just perplexes the listener and he doesnt know what hit him. Here are a few which I found worth mentioning.
PISTA

"Because...its not easy"

Aup's friend R when being asked why is it so difficult for her to sit at one place and have breakfast

"Basically what they serve is essentially Afghani food"

Aup when asked what do you get at the Afghani restaurant Helmand

KULFI

"Actually..the work which I am going to do at XYZ (my new company) involves a lot of
customer interaction"

Aup when asked how he plans to go about doing the knowledge transfer to his team mates before he leaves his present company

"Arre awesome movie hai.. usme Rajdoot(motorcycle) hai"

Aup's roommate Chintan's first reaction while he came home and Balls was watching Chashme Badhdoor

"Meri jawani badi mast mast hai"

Paave singing to Sabri brothers' legendary tune "Teri Jawani Badi mast mast hai".

BETTER KULFI

"Yaahr..mein subah uthkar ek glass paani pee liya karta hoon "

PuPu when asked if he cares to come out for his daily ritual.

"Haan, nahi..matlab pata nahi yaar"

Marw when asked about his position on road from Baltimore to Philly.

"Apna to baat ho gaya tha naa ?"

Vcd when asked about the target while playing cricket at Aup's Mount Ridge house.

"Arre..aaj mujhe swing, pace, bounce and drift mila. Jab thak gaya to leg-spin daala..usme bhi googly,rippers, turners sab daal saka"

Aup's friend A ruminates over a satisfying day of "rubber-ball" cricket.

"I've left De Rossi to boil in his own soup. He's a fantastic guy but he must change his computer chip"

Marcello Lippi on Daniel De Rossi after the infamous elbowing incident.

THE HOLY GRAIL

"Vivek main tumhare liye apni jaan bhi de sakta hoon...magar mein bhagwaan mein vishwaas nahi rakhta"

Akshay Kumar to Sonu Nigam in Jaani Dushman.. take a bow!

For that matter every dialogue from Gunda is Kantiesque (in the true sense) but we have already had a discussion on that. I hope this is just a start and there are many many more to come.

The Three Templates

This cold weather in December and the inability to kill time after work (in some cases at work), always brings out the uber-pensive, moody, introspective individual in me. It doesn't help that the birth-mark L has been etched permanently on my forehead so the high point of the day is usually an after 9 EST worthless chat with fellow Freaks. A plethora of second-standard jokes and leg-pulling sessions ensure that I sleep well only to wake up to another gloomy, lackadaisical rotation round the earth's axis. Balls, Bhaiyya and I were discussing the other day about how we can easily find parallels in each other's present lifestyle and the state of mind that each of us are in. The following templates will sum up our sentiments and give an account of the day to day happenings over the past few weeks.

The work template: Having spent a majority of the day finding out the latest happenings on rediff.com and Kantiesque chatting with each other, it is no suprise that the theme has been g**** pe @ work. Some fortunate people have the luxury of working at home and continuing the good work if you know what I mean. For such people this WFH (Work from home) template will serve really good
"I will be working from home today. I can be reached at xxx-xxx-xxxx or via email"
Since this will be in use more often than not, I find it better to store it as WFH.txt on my desktop and use it as and when needed.One interesting thing to note is that there is no need to give any reason as to why you want to work from home. You may want to just relax, catch a movie, sleep or write a blog for crying out loud. WFH can be used contructively too as you can read each and every article on rediff.com and dicuss about people who have the makings of cult figures.
A typical coversation in the afternoon on a WFH day
Aup: Balls..kya kar raha hai..g**** pe hai ?
Bala: Apna kya hai re..ek mahine se g**** pe hai
Aup:Rediff padha ki nahi ?
Balls: Padha naa..stars who died young..Babbar saab ne bol diya hai.."Smita was an integral part of my life karke"
Aup: Savaal hi nahi hai..also pretty good discussion about Smita Patil, Meena Kumari, Madhubala, Guru Dutt, Geeta Bali, Geeta Dutt, Sanjeev Kumar and K.L Saigal in the "stars who dies young section"
Balls: Haan re..waise Manav Gohil ka chat padha kya
Aup: Nahi re..kya hai woh
Balls: Deliver nahi kar raha hai tu..Manav Gohil is the next best thing on India Telly. Uske maa-baap bhi uske baare mein discuss nahi karte honge.
Aup: Chal re..let me get back to blog and rediff
Balls: Chal..me too.

The ice-breaker template: Over the hill is the sentiment here. Having witnessed a Zimbabwe like performance by our parents in the "ladki" department and our present performance being comparable to India's travails in South Africa, we are pretty much left to do the best we can in corresponding to whatever scraps that come our way.So, here are three templates which would be the way each of us introduce ourselves to the girl
Aup: Hi, I am Aup. People have embellished me with many nicks like Aup Baba, Vhyavhichari, R***baaj and people who cannot find A on the keyboard call me Bup. Neways, jokes apart..(Then a truth-concealed section about what I do..blah blah).I saw your partner expectations section on J****.com and though I am not all of that(I am none actually), I must say that I come pretty close (I must not).I have a feeling(like with everyone else..any girl for that matter) that this can go further (the point being that you are so hot) so I would like to either chat with you or have a conversation on fone. This is my number blah blah... if you feel the same. Take care !

Balls: Now Balls takes as much time to write his introduction as he does to write a blog on one of the concerts that he attends. Well thought-of, "detail oriented" and strikingly used repetitions.Heres what his template. I wont copy his entire template but I will point out the striking repetitions !
"My name is Balakrishnan Ramachandran (Yeh...Americans along with trying to solve the mystery of the Flying Dutchman, are still grappling on how to 'fit' my name onto a Credit Card). U cud address me by Vijay (what they call me at home)"
"I am a complete Bambaiyya at heart and wudnt exchange the Kohinoor diamond for my love towards that city."
"On a more personal front, I've a wicked sense of humor, am a stickler for correct English, a fair cook, a good writer and brilliantly lazy :-)"
"If ur still awake at this juncture, I would like to know more about you...ur interests, ur present work, ur career goals or whatever u are comfortable to put forth initially"

Bhaiyya:

"I am Bhaiyya. I was born in M@#**pur eons ago. I am working as a dejine engineer in Company XXX. I held the same job at my previous company. My responsibilities included library dejine. Yaar..woh jo metal routing hai woh 0.09 micron mein fit karna kaafi mushkil ho jaa raha tha. Vcc se Gnd ka jo hai woh sahi nahi ho raha tha. Communicason chip mein P-Well aur N-Well ka jo hai woh routing behen**** hua merese.Synopsis me ek baar yeh kaam ho gaya to fir Skill mein script likh deta hoon mein..fir sahi saa ho jaata hai. Will you marry me?"
"Khaana badhiya bana leta hoon waise. Favorites to Chilli Chicken aur Palak Paneer hai. Paneer jo hai use halka sa tel mein fry kar leta hoon. Fir palak ko tel ke tadke mein pyaaj aur masalon ke saath halka sa butter mein fry kar leta hoon. Fir dono ko milakar halka sa fry kar leta hoon. Uspar aur 2 liter tel daalkar "cheeej" daal deta hoon. Usse madar**** Palak Paneer ban jaata hai. Mujhse lagan karogi kya?"

The congratulatory email template: Given our penchant for "detail-orientation" and everyday discussans on trivial happenings on rediff, it is no surprise that we are still hunting for our better halves.We can't help but stare at the multitude finding their life partners while we are left to write congratualtory emails to everyone on every such occurance. So, a congratulatory email template is a must for people like us

Engagement : "Hi XYZ,Many many congratulations to you on finding our partner. I wish you all the best as you embark on the next step with him/her. I wish I could be by your side on such a huge occasion in your life. Take care and I'll see you once you are back from India"
Marriage: "Hi XYZ, please accept my heartiest congratulations on tying the knot. It is a surreal moment for me to see you guys being friends before and taking your relationship to the next level. I wish you all the best in our endeavors and hope that in each others company you find happiness, peace and contentment for days to come" + second part of engagement template.

So, thats it in a nutshell. It is fitting that this blog has been the high-point today as I am WFH...a day well spent ! So when my boss congratulates me on giving this gift to the blogging community tomorrow by telling me that why don't I become a full time blogger, I will have to tell him
"Blogger ki wardi nahi pehni to kya hua saab..kaam to blogger ka hi kiya hai naa"
and then the legendary
"Kisi ne sach hi kaha hai..baap pe poot, pita pe ghoda..kuch nahi to thoda thoda"

-Aup

The Inexplicable

Disclaimer: The following material is offensive. If you dislike scathing attacks and mud-slinging please speak up so that I can remove you from the blog roll.

As I got off the phone with Balls this evening, I started thinking about a topic to blog. The Kantiesque blog which Balls and I had thought about a few weeks ago had been shelved due to lack of time, creativity and refusal to pen about something chimerical.The impending Monday morning blues had already started creeping into my mind and that, compounded with the perpetual school sleep cycle, meant that I was wallowing in my bed, ruminating about another wasted weekend. Thats when I picked up the fone to check if someone would be awake. Since it was 1 AM EST already the only target was Bhaiyya.
Now it is a known fact that Bhaiyya loses a bit of his mojo or whatever it is when he breathes even an iota of West Coast air. Fathom this.. Bhaiyya has moved to the West Coast now and is breathing all there is to breathe of that air.So our complaints are totally justified and vindicated with Bhaiyya's idiosyncasies over the past few weeks. Here is a transcript of our conversation and ofcourse some things won't be disclosed to maintain it's sanctity (just like pixelated nude scenes on Star Movies)

The start:
Bhaiyya: Hmmmmmm...(long pause)...Aup Baba ki Jai Ho
Aup: Aayushyaman Bhava putr..jeete raho
Bhaiyya: Kya chal raha hai ? (Bhaiyya's trivial and first question)
Aup: Ku.. (interrupted by Bhaiyya)
Bhaiyya: Aaj khaana banaya re jabardast.
Aup: Tu aise trivial cheezein kyoon batate rehta hai ?
Bhaiyya: Arre nahi re.. (starts 10,000 times repeated dialogue) Roj Khaana to Aunty banati hai naa..aaj maine banaya..badhiya bana tha

The middle:
At this point the conversation shifts to how much the girls' looks matter in an arranged marriage and Bhaiyya's incessant FAQs hit the roof. I try to crack a joke on that and end up shooting myself in the foot. Bhaiyya dissects the joke and asks me meanings of a few words along the way raping the joke in his own inimitable way. Then follows a discourse about how he finds it very easy to rate a girl on her looks and cannot comment about guys in the same vein. My question becomes diluted to the point of being rhetorical and I exhort Bhaiyya to leave the thread and start the next.
Aup: Weekend mein Suraj aur Samir aaye hue the..(trying to continue)
Bhaiyya(interrupting again) : Tu paach baar bata chuka hai.
Aup: Arre..mujhe khatam to karne de..kutte ke tarah movies dekha hum logon ne.
Bhaiyya (now surpassing Alok ): Matlab haath aur pair uppar karke "hah..hah..hah" karke dekha kya.
I just keep silent ignoring his remark and let him know the sheer naivete of his remark.
Aup: Neways..Babel dekha hum logon ne..kaafi achchi movie hai..dekh kabhi time mile to
Bhaiyya ( in Bihari mode): Spelling batayega jara ?
Then there are a few more questions..then some "hmmmms" and long pauses and then again a few more questions.

The abrupt end:
Suddenly, as its known in Bhaiyya's recent phone conversations, he keeps quiet and there is not a word uttered in 2 mins. Though this is nothing new, I still ask him
Aup: Tu net surf kar raha hai kya ?
Bhaiyya: Hmmmm (long pause)
Aup:(thinking..Duh.. he was surfing the net all the way long)
Again there is silence for another 2 minutes (no violins playing in the background here). Bhaiyya totally on the fence a la Marw.
Aup: Chal theek hai yaar call karta hoon kal.
Bhaiyya: Chal theek hai..good Night

Has this become a regular thing or is it just me? A conversation with Bhaiyya nowadays lacks the subtle "nuisances" of caustic humor and witty sarcasm of yore. All that is dished out is a plethora of questions, a repeated account of trivial, inconsequential happenings accompanied with sporadic communication breakdown due to a total refusal of speech.
WHHHHYYY ? ......(Silence)

P.S:
The abrupt end was synonymous to the end of a phone conversation with Bhaiyya.

Running like Bevan

Continuing the 3rd Birthday celebrations of Freaks Inc., here is my humble contribution...a brief bitter-sweet history of our blog to the legendary tune of 'Stairway to Heaven'. Try to sing along to the tune to get a better appreciation.

There was a blog i had known, that Marw had sown
And twas rotting away to oblivion
And he nagged all along, asked if our brains had all froze
Being a bore he got what he had sown for.

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And his Hotlinks had found a new Haven

There was a whiner called 'Ball' whose heart wasn't pure
And you know his blogging had no meaning
Eating all that you cook, was a Baba with flings
Mostly all of his thoughts were Death ridden

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
Baba lived with a guy, as black as Raven

Long hair, loose he let, his ass was the best
Vcd's inputs were never so pleasing
Tens of names cudve been, genius stroke and twas "Freaks"
And new topics to blog they all were looking

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
Scratching their brains left them unshaven

Goli & Sri joined soon, after sex under the moon
Coz the blog was the flavor of the season
But a new day didn't dawn for the blog was a thong
Lovely front but an ugly posterior

Was Freaks a blunder?

We had a nervous sweat in our eyebrow
But we took a vow
We'll keep blogging and comment MEAN

Yes there were fights and Marw sure did cry
Didn't we have fun
His retorts only made you laugh or yawn

Our blog was humming and it didn't slow coz of CULTS u know
Jemz's acting made u blog him
Dear Bubbah never did we forgo, even a single show
Your greatness lies on every Freaks' mind

{TA DA TANG ... TA DA TANG...Genius air solo by Balls}

~ (Fast) ~

And as we blogged on down the road
'Inspired' KK joined the show
'Sandas' Mike as we all know
Ciphers on us who wud bestow
Now even Todd was brought to fold
Read his blogs very hard
He made sure it wud be your last
When Bhaiyya wrote just one and one thats all
We still rock and now on a roll
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
But we'll never buy a domain of our own

There was a blog i had known, that Marw had sown
Contributors are now one more than Eleven
And we celebrate the 3rd, birthday of Freaks
Cheers to those who've penned, on what we adore

And we're running....like Michael Bevan, uh uh uh.

A timeline

Oct - Dec 03: This was the time when Marw influenced by the ever growing blogging community came up with an idea of a sport blog with Madhu Raju. Balls did his thing and named it "Freaks Inc".This is the time before all of us left for our first trip to India after coming to the US and so no one really wrote anything. The blog was alive though, hosting the incessant hot-linking which was and has been Marw's forte till date.
Jan-Feb 04:- Nothing at all just one post from Marwadi saying that he added Aup to the blog.
March 04:- Truly, this is the time the blog actually came to life. Buoyant due to India’s win over Pakistan in the one-dayers, we saw post after post of cricket but there were very few hotlinks. Of particular note is Balls' comment about Amit Bhandari being a replacement for Nehra and my comment about how thoughtful Bala's blog was..funny as hell. VCD posts his first.
April 04: Our first Metallica experience for people to live vicariously through Balls’ post "My'tallica experience". Belur's christening as "Bhagwaan"and our homage to Raaz and Meghna Naidu. Shawar becomes the new Freak's cult.
May 04: Suraj blogs and more surprisingly Marw writes two blogs. His post about Bala's "Mai terese darta nahi" makes a very interesting read. Suraj copy-pastes a beaten to death naatak.
Jun04: First spiritual blog and two near life experiences…too much of Fight Club in there. Balls’ and Nicole’s versions of their power rafting ups the tempo. How difficult is it to live without the internet is very beautifully dissected in Srikants blog. Marw writes but still hotlinks away to glory.
Jul 04, Aug 04: Strictly OK months. Lets not go thyair

Sep 04: One of the most hilarious blogs and also the most hated in a while. Balls reasons why he wouldn’t want to be Shahrukh Kkkhan in his next life. Aup pays homage to Mahesh Saab’s clairvoyance in his tribute to "Hum Hai Rahi Pyaar Ke". Both the blogs get published in Shrishti due to lack of anything genuine.
Oct 04: First combined blog for Freaks Inc posted by Aup and Balls. Goli gets enlightened with Baba's darshan and dabbles with photoshop ..Aup becomes Aup Baba. Srikant writes one of the best blogs about one of the best parties we’ve ever had.
Nov 04: KK’s first blog which he would like to forget and so would we.
Dec 04: Balls writes one of the most thoughtful and hilarious blogs ever about the history of research.Enough said.
Jan 05- Mar 05: Sri's blog about Swades in March was the one I thought was worth mentioning. But the blog was pretty much alive with Marw's hotlinks and political discussions.
April 05: Balls' writing capabilities reach the zenith. "Eight" is a masterpiece.Sadly, the
only one produced in a month of little activity.
May 05: Mike is added to the blog and he produces one that doesn't vibe well with the Gandhians and the confused in the group. Balls writes his first hand version of Srikant's
(read Javeds) steely nerves in a run chase. Aup doesn't hide his feelings and
showers words of praise on Meghneeyal on his bday.
Jun 05: 20 greatest Freak one liners of all times. Bhaiyya steals the show but writes nothing yet.
Jul 05: KK gets nostalgic (or quotes someone who got nostalgic :-) ). It literally rains cats and dogs in Mumbai.
Aug 05: Bhaiyya's house warming party gives Balls a lot to write and he covers it exceptionally in his blog. Also Marw and Vcd sum up their sentiments on an NRI's feelings on Swatantra Din.

Sep 05:Aup does an Alok with his Baasten travelogue.Todd is added to the blog and Savitha's blog produces the most discussion and brooding over.Balls writes a beautiful poem about life and Bhaiyya finally writes his first blog after a peg of MaCallen about his Std 10 experiences.
Oct 05: Mike writes about the Great Road Trip to San fran. KK writes a good bday wish to Goli Freaks Inc turns 2.
Nov 05:Balls graduates and is dismembered from Aup's sacred cult.Srikant has a hilarious post on the brotherhood's trip to Philly.
Dec 05: Balls openly discusses his morbid fantasies.
Jan 06: Vcd posts a harsh fact on nostalgia. Marw springs back into action with his cricket-related blog.
Feb 06: Aup expresses his frustration over wannabes and Marw follows with a thoughtful blog with a hangover of DCH. Aup sends Jaadya off to NJ with a poem only to find him back in his house capping off Feb with a worthless blog.
March 05:Balls and Aup exhort Sachin to perform in the Mumbai test and are disappointed "yet again". Srikant tries to ignite an argument by praising the hijda but fails. Bhaiyya produces a masterpeice "by his standards" about the various services his courier agency has to offer.
April 06: Low on activity.Mike's 11th standard post makes a good read while I rue another wasted weekend.

May 06: Aup is still smarting from a rude treatment at the hands of a puerto rican waiter. Balls gears up for the football world cup and Marw hotlinks a hilarious video from you tube.
Jul 06: Balls takes us through the travails of his life thus far about living with his name. KK delivers with a hilarious post about the Caucasian White - ticket crazy Bhaiyya
Aug 06: Sriaknts post about HAHK makes a good read. Todd produces two masterpieces not to mention his equally long comments. Todd's post about the types of desis in the US gets posted on desi torrents' forum. Bhaiyya laments on how hes been institutionalized in Baltimore.
Sep 06: A discussion on Vande Mataram. Mike shows all of us that he is alive.
Oct 06: Balls' passion is very much evident in his beautiful write up of the Tool concert. After this the blog goes into a Ghaat Rock spree with yours truly translating "The Pot" and Mike follows with Schism and Lateralus before posting loads of ciphers. Todd posts a beautiful post on Lady Luck
So, thats three years in a nutshell. Couldn't think of anything more original rather than a Harshaesque commentary of walking down the memory lane.It is so interesting to revive old memories and see how our writing has progressed over the years. How more thought has gone into each blog that has been posted. How much we have argued senselessly over inane topics and had a whale of a time. Before it starts getting more Alokesque than it already is, I will end this.

Heres to three years of blogging. Happy B'day Freaks Inc.

Tom, Dick & Harry…& Jerry...& to be continued…

My name is Bhaiyya and as my dear friend “Ball” in utter disgust once said, I come from the deep ravines of Bihar. However, I do not live in Bihar anymore (fortunately or unfortunately); I have been living in Baltimore, MD for the past four years. A period of four years is a long time (just like prison time is a long time), I have seen a lot, done a lot during this time. Still remember the day I arrived, the day I met Ball and due to similar interests in Metal and bad habits (deemed by some), quickly became friends. I have met many jerks and the few good men who later on became my good friends after initial scrutinizing (sometimes I feel Airport security should learn scrutinizing luggage from me) and conflicts.

I have seen at least six generations of graduate students here, this experience is very common if you are a PhD student, however becomes unique in my case since I happily graduated from school two years ago but had to unhappily start working in the same area. Lots of people know me and I know many people in this town and somehow my position has become like an old clerk who knows everybody and everything about the office. Or to put it in a better way, a well-off old goon in the village who doesn’t do the real job anymore but every gang still holds him in high regards for his prior achievements. I am your man if you want the job done; most of the jobs being helping people move to Baltimore, away from Baltimore, join a new job, and a change of job. Here I have been inspired by Amitabh’s words from Coolie (with a slight ‘Bihari Club mix’): Sabki Naukri ka bhoj hum uthathe hain

My main expertise is to find cheap accommodation for you in Baltimore, to arrange for transportation; in a nutshell to make sure your transition is very smooth. If I cannot find a place for you; I will accommodate you with me, if I can’t suggest you something convenient for your transportation, I’ll give you a ride. Now getting inspired by Sanjay Dutt and the GREAT Dipak Tijori from ‘Sadak’ everyone in and around Baltimore started singing: Rehne ko ghar nahin…Sone ko bistar nahin….Apna to Bhaiyya hai rakhwalaa…Ab tak usee ne hai paala.

It all started when one of my undergrad friends from UT Austin, called me and said that his buddy, Tom, (The names of characters have been changed to protect their imbecilities) was moving to Baltimore to start his career. Career is a big word and somehow I got the impression that his career was in my hands! Next thing you know I was all over it, starting from asking somebody to give me a ride to the airport so that I can bring Tom home, offered him everything that I could. Helped him buy his car, helped him get his pathetic insurance quote because he had jumped a signal, was under 25 and was buying a new car. I patiently listened to his troubles until Tom moved to his apartment some 30-40 miles away from here.

I forgot to mention something here, Tom sent me his mugshots (before I met him for the first time) so that I could identify him, he also asked about the weather in Baltimore. Tom was coming in May, so I presumed that he was asking me about the winter. I told him, “dude! the cold will freeze your ass”. When I reached the airport, I saw a guy who had striking similarity to Tom’s mugshots and was wearing a winter jacket. I cautiously approached this guy and confirmed that he was Tom. The guy thought the cold weather in Baltimore in “winter of May” will freeze his ass. Holy cow! Is everybody from Texas so dumb? Anyway, so I had this feeling “you are a good man, Paul Rusesabagina”, you took care of everything for somebody, what a sense of achievement! Tom is very nice to me and all but somehow, I don’t hear from him a lot, he has become very busy with his life. Guess the next I would probably hear from him is when he would change his job and come to Baltimore…in essence to me for all of the above!!

Jerry was an acquaintance through Baba who became a good friend of mine before he decided to start his career in Baltimore. The friendship curve of Jerry is very steep, he may sound arrogant initially, but suddenly he would do something so ridiculous (scarred me for life), that you can’t stop laughing saying “Sala….ch***** hai”. I actually enjoyed helping out Jerry. It was a pleasure to spend time with him, have him as a roommate. I will not go into the gory details of my services (and let me be very clear here…NO! IT DID NOT INCLUDE A COMPLIMENTARY BJ) and to keep this blog short and not become like the one from Yatin. Services to Jerry were smooth transition to Baltimore and later on transition to far west, which resulted in the 3500 miles Great Road Trip. Overall, it was the best I had.

Along came Dick. BTW, Dick is short form for Richard, like the vice president’s short name (This piece of worthless trivia is one of the after effects of helping Jerry out…inane information!). The case with Dick was slightly different. Although he has been here for a while, which means the usual 2 year life of a “typical” graduate student, I had to be involved. Not only involved, but stretched the limits of my service domain by getting involved in pre career steps like ride for the interview and stuff. It was like taking a class 9^th kid for JEE preparation where every other kid had cleared 10^th exams.

On Saturday, I got a similar call from one of my buddies in California saying he had a FOB friend in Baltimore and wanted me to help him out. Seriously, FOB, he got off the boat couple of days ago. Let me call him Harry (Now inspired by Hari Narayan Shrivastav a.k.a Harry from Gol Maal….WHAT A PLAYER SIR!). So, after speaking to my buddy from California, I thought, okay I should call this guy up. I was in a party that afternoon and I didn’t want to go out again so later on I kind of postponed the call. About an hour later I got a SOS call from Harry. I appeased him saying don’t worry, I will help you out. And the same saga again, house and car (thank god! not the ride). Fortunately, he is not an engineer so I can’t really help him in his career moves. I drove about 25 miles one-way to meet this Harry guy, I drove because he doesn’t drive in the night :). I parked my car and on my way to the Marriot entrance I am stopped by a desi guy, and here he is in a nice party shirt, Levi jeans and chappals, wow! I suggested him to take some form of ID in case he wanted to drink. In response, he said something, which I didn’t quite get but it sounded like bouncers and bartenders in the old country recognized him that he was some guru in drinking. Apprehending his excitement, I was little worried that he might try to hit on the “bitches”. This kind of excitement is bad and has two types of consequences, worse and worst. Worse being, he is constantly hitting on somebody while he does not have a clue about doing it thereby creating an awkward situation. And, the worst being he actually gets a girl and I have to drive him so that he can get laid!!!

While driving by the shops to find the pub in Harry’s part of town, I had to tell him the brand of every car that was parked in answer to his questions. We found a nice bar and restaurant and we entered. While I stopped at the entrance to be seated, Harry kept walking and the server was shocked for a moment. I jumped in to tell the server that we wanted to go to the bar and Harry heard it and came back. While having the drinks, I gave Harry a short tutorial about life and culture in America like how to drive, how to say phone numbers and how to hunt, something, which I think puts me in gray area (the same old loop-de-loop). Turns out Harry is definitely better than the scary FOBs, he didn’t pay 1000 Rs for his drinks rather he paid 20$s and asked me about the tip. I am hoping to quickly get over with his business. I wish Tom, Jerry, Dick and Harry all the best in their career and I hope that my bit helped them achieve their career goals. Do I feel a sense of Power in Baltimore…Hell no! Thinking about it, what is power? Don Vito Corleone was powerful, everybody came to him for his help. What I did not realize was “with great power comes great responsibility”. I’m in a way institutionalized in Baltimore, I feel like a Guide singing the same song (again inspired by Amitabh from Don) to whoever comes to Baltimore for the first time : ‘Ee hain Baltimore Nagariya tu dekh babuwa…’

What is in a name???

My name is Balakrishnan Ramachandran (and no Marw I’m not putting my full name here to increase the hits on me from Google ;-). Over the past 25 yrs or so since I’ve groped reality, my name has been raped to good effect. It started off with people calling me Bala (fair enough). It’s probably the most clichéd nick to any loser by the name of Balasubramanian or Balachandran or Balamurthy. As friends reached puberty, it gave them enormous thrill to tweak Bala to something lewd – Balls. Most of my childhood I lived with being called Balls except in one case where an idiot who for some reason started calling me ‘Bullock’.

I kinda liked it in a way…Balls sounded too cool till I arrived at UMBC and met a bhaiyya from the deep ravines of Bihar. Having failed in English a zillion times in high school, he didn’t understand the subtle nuances of a prefixes or past participles…Balls became ‘Ball’ and eventually in his native earthy Bihari translation became ‘Gota’. I sighed and accepted it thinking its one of kind from a person who is one of a kind too! How naïve was I!!! Whilst working at LCS, a Russian lady (reiterate it’s LADY not a girl…desp MOFOs) asked me my name. I sensed trouble but still held my breath (which was stinking anyways) to utter : B A L A. She shot back : How do you spell that “B A L L” ? We all know that the Russian alphabets are more or less mirror images of the English letters but this was just sodomy! I decided not to kill her thinking about her hungry relatives in Siberia.

Another person who has raped my name time and time again is my dear friend my Rupil Sant. He is one of those hard core Wren and Martin lovers who is fascinated by adverbs so much that every sentence of his has to have one (many a times a lot) ADVERB atleast. “Pathan kya fantastically bowling daala re….brilliantly daandi nikala maadarchod ka….level dekh re…GODLY hai”….so there you go. He had to contort my name into an “adverbly” name and thus….Ball became Bally. To add more misery he turned me into half Cantonese…Ballee. And to top it off and add Tata Namak to my carcass, he wrote a song-

Kissi Shayar ki Ghazal…BALEE
Kisi Jheel ka kamal…BALEE
Kahin to milega…Kabhi to milega
Aaj nahin to kal…BALEE

My dad doesn’t know of this…else he would die the most painful of deaths.

Apart from this, hordes of 'insignificants' have molested my name time and again.

Office - There is this Redneck accountant who calls me ‘Beala’, and Chinku who calls me ‘Bowla’ and a Sindhi wannabe white who calls me ‘Bayllah’.
Out side of Office - Dr. Phatak used to call me by my email address 'balakri' and one smart ass named Mahesh remixed that too to call me 'balki' on the cricket field.
I’m not sure if you guys have ever heard about a show on Animal planet called ‘The most Exxtreme’ where they rank animals according to most ferocious, protective, caring, predator etc. If there ever was to be a show “The most Exxtreme” name rapes, you sure do know who the winner would be!

Well the reason I started to write this blog (other than to make my boss think im really working) was another case of name molestation that happened today morning. I had to visit an eye doctor to replenish my contact lens quota. I filled out the application form and handed it out to the doctor who just screamed after looking at my name – “Holy Smoke!!! How in God’s holy name do you say that??” I condescendingly said – “Just call me Bala”. She still was pretty shell shocked as to how long my name was and quipped – “No offence meant but the entire thesaurus is in there.” I smiled wryly (yep another adverb ;-) and said “I don’t quite think so unless the Thesaurus is just 24 letters."She took notice that I wasn’t too impressed and pressed on to say – “Well in that case I’m just going to call you Bala24”

So there you go folks…another feather to my dad’s cap for making my life miserable. I’ve faced so much misery and ignominy regarding my name that it just doesn’t bother me anymore. But I’ve decided that I’m not going to make my sons life miserable. He would have a short name which nobody would be able to fuck around with….he would live happily ever after….I’m would name him Vekantachalapathi Balakrishnan.

Immigrant !!!

This is a collection of events which has occurred with my friend Bhaiyya. Bhaiyya commands such respect in the country now, that he is considered a naturalized citizen rather than a non-immigrant.

Bhaiyya, comes from the same location, where Nalanda University existed in ancient times or where Laloo rules now. IIT educated Bhaiyya is a typical Indian. He has black hair, brown skin and Hindi which will put guys like me from Mumbai to think if its a foreign language. His English language is accented.

So our story starts at the beginning of this year, when Bhaiyya was searching for a new apartment to stay. He wanted to move to a new apartment after Mike left for the west coast and his inability to get a roommate for a 3BHK apartment was turning out to be a costly affair.

Bhaiyya was visiting a lot of rental places to enquire about rates and see apartments for himself. However, his applications are rejected by Rental agencies for "Having too high an income". Yes, dear readers, I was also surprised to hear of that being one of reasons to get rejected. Now, he is tired after a month long search accentuated by the rejections, strikes up a conversation with a random white guy at the gas station. They talk about different locations where apartments would be available and Bhaiyya discovers that some of them maybe available. However, the guy tries to warn him with good intentions, those areas contain a lot of foreigners, Asians and Indians. Imagine a white guy warning Bhaiyya about Asians ... Well Bhaiyya thought maybe he was considered a white. We said, maybe you are black.

This long weekend, we went to Raleigh, NC. Since we were 4 of us, we decided on travelling luxuriously in a big car. However, we got Nissan Sentra .. the smallest possible. More to our surprise, we saw that the car doesnt make 65mph without flooring the accelarator for more than 5 minutes. However, our dear Bhaiyya in a near stroke of genius while returning back, makes higher 70's for couple of minutes before climbing down. By the time car is back to speed limit, we pass an unmarked stationary cop car. The cop flashes its lights and asks us to get off the road. Resultant, Bhaiyya gets a speeding ticket at 78mph. However, after the initial tense situation of the cop and ticket, on our way back Bhaiyya discovers that the ticket has been marked as Caucasian White. Bhaiyya was now a White brother.

These incidents have emboldened Bhaiyya to consider himself a citizen. Infact, at a 3 way stop, near my school, which is a little wierd, the right turn does not need to stop, while all others are required to stop. Even the ones going straight are required to stop. So this guy who is from a different country stops, waiting for Bhaiyya to proceed. Bhaiyya waves him to go and then turns and tells me "Immigrants I tell you" !!!!

Note: Some actual events and related sequences have been modified for this article.

Tale of a TIP

A shocking incident happened today. Chintan, Rachit and I had been to watch the movie "Darna mana Hai" in Burlington, NJ and on our way back decided to have dinner at "Minella's Diner" in Wayne, PA. Throughout the drive to Minella's we were pretty apprehensive about having to deal with one particular waiter, the Puerto Rican, who has undoubtedly got to be the rudest horse's arse of a personality alive. We sunk into our alloted booth and were thinking about what to order given that underprivileged menu. No prizes for guessing here that we were waited upon by the same guy who still doesnt seem to have found a job elsewhere. Surprisingly, I was greeted by a smile this time as he took my order for coffee and pancakes.
We finished our dinner and as usual we added the TIP of 4$ on a bill of 20 on the credit card itself, since no one had change in their pockets. As we were reversing our car out of the parking lot we saw that Puerto Rican waiter (PRW) approaching our car. I lowered the windows thinking that he is coming to give us something which we might have forgotten on our table.

PRW (throwing a 25 cent coin at us) : I don't need this..keep it for yourself.

I couldn't quite fathom the reason for such a reaction. Not knowing what hit us, we parked the car again thinking about going back in to clarify the reason for such an act.
As we went back in, I pointed my finger towards the waiter calling him to justify his act, but he chickened out and went back into the kitchen leaving another waiter and two waitresses to do the job.

Aup: I don't quite understand what did the PRW mean when he threw this 25 cent coin at us. What was he thiking.
The other waiter: He must have found that 25 cent coin on your table and he came to return it to you.
Us: Wait a minute..that can't be. He rudely threw the coin at us..so he might not be just returning our coin back. His body language would have been completely different had he come out to return the change we had spilled on the table.
The other waiter: You guys never TIP so he must have thought that 25 cents left on the table was the TIP.
Us: What?? First of all we have never walked out of any restaurant in the US without leaving a 15% TIP at least if not more. And even now, we have given a TIP and you can check it if you want.
Meanwhile, the owner of the shop just walked into the conversation and played a cameo. He had brought our receipt with him and pointed out the 4$ TIP. We stood vindicated but I still could not let him go on the basis of his apparent misjudgement.
Aup: I think that TIP is gratuity given with pleasure. If you give us horrible service there is no reason why I should leave a TIP. That apart I have never walked out of this place without leaving at least a 15% tip.
The other waiter: Then I am sorry sir, there has been a misunderstanding.
Us: We dont care. TIP or no TIP this is not a way to treat your customers
The other waiter and the waitresses: This will never happen again
Us: This won't happen again if we come here again. We will make sure that we don't come to this place again.
And we just walked out of there.

I was horrified with the treatment meted out to us and it surely does affect you cos you know that you haven't done anything wrong. A jerk just comes along and spoils your day so you should not let him go without clarifying and justifying your point. Hell..I don't even know why we argued with the other waiters instead of just taking the matter to the manager because after all don't birds of a feather flock together ?. We were just discussing on our way back that its rather better to just let this thing go because there is a reason why he is a waiter and somethings should just be !

Another bloddy Friday

I was thinking of what I was going to do this weekend and I had sort of planned out my week's work based on what I thought I was (going to do). Firstly, I needed to fill my tax forms and then the second and inevitable one ...be on call support for my 'run of the mill' Java programmer's job. So, when Jaadya called me on Tuesday expressing a desire to spend the weekend in Bhaiyya and my company I replied in the negative. The week flew past and everything went as planned. Finally it was Friday..it was either going to be the same old meet everyone and while away time weekend or accomplish something weekend.
Started off the day pretty well..got to work pretty early and the day seemed to progress well. Had forgotten my cell phone at home and hence there was no connection with the outside world once I was in office. The day ended at a miserable 6pm in the evening and I drove out when there were very few cars in the parking lot . At around 8.30, I just checked my voicemails and the text messages I had recieved and there sure were a myriad of them. Bhaiyya had hurled innumerable abuses which I chose to ignore and there were others who had left explicit voice-mails. Just before that, I had got to know that I wouldn't be on support for the weekend and decided to call up Jaadya. Surprisingly, he picked up the fone on the first ring and I was not treated to his disgusting stuttering voicemail "Hi..this is Srikant Sub...". Seemingly Jaadya had receivd a royal snub from all that were near and dear to him and was cooling his heels in "Hell's( His final destination..if there is any semblance of justice) Kitchen", NY. Apparently Bhaiyya had a deadline to meet and was unsure of making it to Philly and he had already conveyed his thoughts to Jaadya.When I called Bhaiyya, I learnt that the promise which he had given me ( that he would repay me by making a trip to Philly) was shockingly coming true. He was on 202 North and just 25 minutes away from my place. Jaadya immediately caught the 10.30 Amtrak from New york and after a quick dinner at Bahamas Breeze, I was driving on 76 to pick him up from 30th Street Station. The scenario had changed totally..it was wild, insanely fast and I didnt know what hit me with this rapid change of fortunes. It would give "Fight Club" a run for it's money. Mike had once told me..."life gives you shit ..just take it in our stride"..I couldn't agree more. The whole week I was thinking of having a productive weekend and instead I am resting my lazy ass on my couch at 2.54 am on Saturday morning, writing this worthless blog, lending a deaf ear to Jaadya's Sci-Fi movie stories and planning to play Taboo with Bhaiyya, Jaadya and Chintan . Deja vu ! just another freakin bloddy Friday. Andy Dufrain had said that "Hope is a beautiful thing".. I hope, I pray for that elusive weekend !

We deliver on time

KK was to leave for India on Saturday and I had promised to drop him to the airport. Earlier Aup said he wudn't be able to make it that weekend. Friday evening I got a call from Aup--he was coming to Baltimore…he ofcourse had to kiss his langotia off to India.

We dropped KK to the airport 5 hrs earlier to make sure he doesn't miss his flight :) After leaving the airport I called up Balls and left a voice message saying “The package has been successfully shipped to India.”

Later we goofed around at Ash's (Aup's friend) place, had a good time. Sunday I needed a break and even though Aup's purposeful visit was served, he wouldn’t leave. I expressed (begged / pleaded) in a subtle manner (which is something missing in me--Jhadiya) with an excuse that I needed to go to work. Aup was in no mood to leave, I had to make somebody call me from work and the trick worked. Finally, Aup left for Philly.

In the meanwhile I got a voice message from Balls asking for the tracking number for the shipment to India. I emailed him about the tracking number he requested.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Customer,

As per our telephonic conversation, you requested tracking number for the package IAD->BOM. Our company, Fast Courier Company (FCC), does not provide the tracking number for the shipments. All our shipments reach the destination within 48 hrs and then we provide the proof of delivery, which you will find below.

Sincerely,
FCC
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Hi,

Reached India safely. Flight ekdum khaali tha .. soke gaaya ...

Kausum
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Balls was quite happy with the delivery and he replied

Dear FCC,
Thanks for your prompt delivery and response. Not only is your International delivery quick and on-time, it was evident to me yesterday that your domestic shipment time is impressive too. (I'm referring to the exceptionally fast "good riddance" delivery performed on heavy equipment to Philly). Thanx again for your excellent response time...i dont have to look
anywhere else now!!
A happy customer.

I forwarded the customer's response to Aup

Aup,

Baba ki Jai ho !!
Below you will find the response from one of our major clients..
Balls inc.

FCC

Aup Baba ki tisri aankh khul gayi. In a fit of anger he replied back to the courier company as follows:

FCC is very efficient. It uses the "good riddance" to ship the international delivery and then ships the "good riddance" itself forcefully. I take an oath that I will not set foot in Baltimore.

-A

I was scared of the laser beam which was about to shoot off from tisri aankh and turn me into ashes and dust. I had to appease the Baba so I offered him my sincere apologies and some free coupons…

Dear Customers and Packages,

It has come to our knowledge that some of our "heavy" shipments are not very happy with the treatment given to them. We would like to mention that our focus is on the cheapest, most reliable and efficient service to our dedicated customers. We apologize for the inconvenience caused, but please understand that its all business nothing personal. We would like to offer you a coupon for two samosas and we do appreciate your business.
Thanks You,
Regards,
FCC

All the best Jaadya !

Just sticking to the tradition of writing farewell notes when anyone leaves Baltimore. Damn..no one wrote me one..but I guess that is because of my perpetual weekend visits. Heres one for Jaadya.

It was in the year 2003
That I made a friend called Sri
Come 2004
We were freaks to the core

Fools and idiots I did fend
To make a true, valuable friend
Though I never miss to take a dig
At this fat disgusting pig

Petty squabbles and many a fight
Ensured our friendship stayed tight
Glimpses of humor he showed was wry
You'd laugh and laugh till you cry

Cricket, football, hard rock
Hours and hours on it we would talk
"Trance if my fav", he stood his stance
Never missed to break into a Helen dance

24 hours he'd eat and eat
An apetite too tough to beat
One thing that he did wrong
Was forget to hide his pink thong

Typos and mistakes over the top
And he nicknamed me Aup
Ballsy sure did return his favor
"Lookatheem", a nick to savor

Though not the leader of the troop
But, mighty integral to the group
To open out, when you need a friend
He's truly a godsend

A move we didnt foresee
That you'd be moving to New Jersey
The times spent in Baltimore
Will soon be days of yore

It is said que sera sera
Surely is the end of an era
But if you ever happen to feel alone
We're all here, dont hesitate to phone

May your guiding light be strong
May you never put ahead a foot wrong
Best wishes and goodluck I send
Adios till we meet during the weekend

The Two Brothers - Welcome Home (Sanitarium)!!!

Background :- You have been introduced to who the freaks are in the post "The Freaks" and then the tale starts with the first installment - "Brotherhood of the Freaks" where Brothers, Step Brothers, Leeches, Paparazzi's, Tapeworm's and Ammas were introduced. We will now move ahead to the second installment in the tale "The Two Brothers".

This tale starts from the fag end of the Brotherhood of Freaks, where as the Freaks were parting ways, Two Brothers, Balls and Yatin decided to call the brotherhood for a reunion and house warming party at their new house. Aup was returning back to the cherished land so he would not be able to join the brotherhood pilgrimage but all the other Brothers decided to be a part of the pilgrimage. Brothers on the West Coast would understandably not be able to join while Balls dream of catfight between two ammas were not to be realized this time around.

The Two Brothers wanted the Brotherhood to join them before the new year to help them shift but brothers being intelligent themselves decided to join only after the entire shifting to the new house was complete. Still afraid of helping the Twins, vcd decided to dropout at the last moment so only Bhaiyya, Srikant and KK made the pilgrimage to Raleigh from Baltimore where the Twin Brothers were waiting.

The Festival (Plan of Action as scripted by Balls)

30th December
Brothers from Baltimore reach Raleigh as early as possible (by 6pm atmost), get rest for the mind with some music, stomach with some home cooked Pav Bhaji (courtesy Balls), some drinks to go with it and innumerable Beedis to sooth the fraying nerves. Keep talking late into the nite before we sleep.

31st December
Lunch at Tower of India a desi place in Raleigh. Go for shopping to prepare for the New Year Eve Feast and then prepare the feast. Celebrate the new year with Beedis, Drinks and food. Yeti playing the Base guitar on

1st January
Relaaaaaax after a overcoming the huge hangover. Talk/ Chat/ Listen to Music/ Watch Movies.

2nd January
End of the pilgrimage. Wake up late, have lunch, pack up and return back to Baltimore.

What Actually Happened

30th December :-
I am trying to reach Bhaiyya and Srikant from 9am. No response until 10.30 am when finally Bhaiyya wakes up. Srikant is still sleeping or dazed. We discuss on leaving at around 12 after which Bhaiyya with such heavy planning feels tired and takes a power nap. Finally, eveybody rose around 12 where they pick me up, Srikant packs his stuff. After that we all go to Bhaiyya's place for Bhaiyya to get ready and pack his stuff. We also stop over at Vcd's place to carry Balls last remains from Baltimore.

Balls informs us his the confirmation of getting the job. So now the trip had 3 main purposes:- New Year Party, Housewarming Party and Balls Job Celebrations

When all this is completed it is already 2.30pm and we head to Chippotle's for lunch. After around 3.30 Srikant sees that his cell is in the house and we go for the pickup. Balls calls around 4pm where we are having beedi and we decide to tell him that we have already covered 70 miles on road and stuck in slow moving holiday traffic. Balls being the persistent kind wants more info and Bhaiyya with amzing dexterity gives non-existent information and factually incorrect. (Balls unaware of it until he reads it on the blog)

Finally, leaving at 4.30pm from Baltimore, we are on the road and we do get a good paced holiday traffic and no delays until Raleigh where we finally reach 9.30pm.

When we were at the outskirts of Raleigh, we hear a horrible news. Balls was still at work. There went our dreams of reaching and having hot Pav Bhaji. Now we knew food would be a distant dream. We brace ourselves for it as we reach the Sanitarium.

Entering the fabulous house and having a tour of it Srikant's first comment which sums up the description :-

" You guys have got a very good setup. Good Jobs, Good place, Home theatre System, Patio & a nice View, Good Rooms, attached Bathrooms, cheap rent and to top it all .... A Bai* ...."

After sometime Amma decides to encourage the Two Brothers to finally cook as she was famished and the brothers take a cue and around midnight we finally have an awesome dal from Yeti and Aloo ka sabzi from Balls and Ras Malai as dessert.

We retire late in the nite to have Balls initiates a discussion. When we were discussing we hear the sounds from the other room ... Srikant snoring away to glory. Actually he was suffering from cold and that amplified the snores.

Balls makes a comment on my and Bhaiyyas snoring and says he never snores. Late in the nite, I and Bhaiyya are still continuing our discussion when we hear another snoring sound in the room. Balls asleep and snoring loudly.

31st December
We wake up early in the day (1pm) and by the time we rise and shine Tower of India decides to close its shutter. Undeterred, Bhaiyya decides to cook Egg Bhurji while Srikant makes tea and we eat Lunch.

Yeti arrives with ingredients for the feast. Main Course was Pulav(Balls), Gobi Manchurian(KK), Chikken Tikka (Bhaiyya), Mutton Nihari (Yeti), Raita (KK). While drinks included Beer and Brandy. Not to Mention Amma did most of the cutting and cleaning of vegetables and rice.

The new year was heralded with smoking a couple of Cigars and after that we started with Heavy Metal session with Yeti playing the Base Guitar for most of the songs. It was really awesome. The brotherhood also sang to songs and did a pretty decent job.

1st January
National Hangover Day. The brotherhood rose after 2pm. Amma rose at 1pm to fall asleep again after talking to Balls, until 5pm. Lunch was yesterday's leftovers. After that a Shtaarbucks trip for fresh air and Balls deciding to make the Pav Bhaaji. Yeti decides to make Turkey Kababs and brandy to go with it. We also started watching movies from Balls DVD collection as we had dinner. I also got my ROCK 101 lesson.

We all went to sleep and I started snoring so loudly, that Srikant infact had to go to a different room to sleep. It was that bad but when he changed rooms he heard Bhaiyya and Balls discussing about Voltage Transformers ... he just could'nt believe it .... Was this a dream ? He still asks himself till this day.

2nd January
Gorging on the fabulous Kababs from yesterday and Pav Bhaaji we give the Twin Brothers Housewarming gifts before we head back for our karma-bhoomi. On the way we do have serious discussions on patriotism before we stop at waffle house for dinner and we realize the dream-trip was over.

I hope the third installment of the tale would soon be out. The Return of the Baba.

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*Bai :- Also referred to as Amma-II. She was arranging Yeti's closet when we met her this time. Apparently, she did most of the moving of the Twin Brothers stuff to the new place. We did hear the incident of Balls unable to pick up the TV and infact getting crushed by the sheer weight of it before Amma non-chalantly picks it up to move it. Also, were several similar incidents about the sofa etc.

The sum of all years (fears)

A perfect blog material..I dont know why KK didnt deem necessary to put it directly on the blog. An absolute stunner from the most unexpected quarters :-) . Its a privilege to post it !

Quote:
After such a marvellous chat on that day and subsequent follow up with an amazing photo and meeting Anoop ... I was compelled to write the following tribute to Goli.

I have only know him for such a short time ... but I always thought I saw his art somewhere or the other and after seeing his thesis and some other pieces of art in the lab, I finally realized that I had seen him all over the world. It is a great honour to be associated with Goli who art adores most of the museums in the world. From Cave paintings to his preliminary trials with metal to his first wheel, I have been compelled to think how ardous task it must have been for him.

He is the true cradle of civilization, always have taught people the basics before they surpass him. His lifespan has not covered several generations but several spieces. He has not only seen the rise and fall of empires but also the rise and fall of entire living organisms .... not to say he must also be involved in the extermination of some.

I have often heard people of saying, doctors and researchers probing on how people can live forever without diseases and other ailments. Without ever aging. But I am lucky to be with the person who has held that secret always in his heart. He has been the truest form of Human. Not because he doesnt have any progenies but because he has chosen not to. He keeps his secret buried in his chest and the burden doesnt allow him to enjoy.

It is very drastic for our own Goli. Consider his emotional state ... how difficult it may have for him, from incomplete education as Vatsayana passed away (rumors about some veneral disease) so he was deprived of the true education to which we can only think about to the cruel war in Mahabharata to the being on the TITANIC or endure Romeo's and Juliets most boring love story or see Cleopatra's sleeping with all but goli.... Life has not been easy for Goli to say the least. These emotional upheavals has taken a toll on him.... but rest assured he is still standing tall ....He is the strongest and the oldest (not including the wisest) of all freaks.

May Goli this new year be the best of all eras u had so far .. and may you carry the stories of Freaks to the passing generations .....

My Wishes for u :-

Slow at first, too soon the years quickly fly
Far beyond our short reach and fragile hold
Just like the birds which polka dot the sky
Then sit and laugh, while, like fools, we grow gold...

With just their voice, they sing to show the way
Living the high life, laughing and soaring,
As we fret over mirrors wrinkled gray,
Along with nonsense, judgments, and snoring

So when your star rises again each year
And you see those mockingbirds light nearby,
Keep in mind they come not to taunt and jeer at
They're here in hopes this is the year you fly

KK

Baltimore to San Francisco

Disclaimer: Considerable artistic license has been taken in the production of the text for this scene. The author makes no guarantees as to which incidents occured and which ones didn't.

Scene III: The Phantom of the Highway

Act I:

Bhaiyya and Mike set out from Cleveland, taking Interstate 71, hoping to make it to Springfield, MO by day's end.

Mike: Gaand lag gayee.
Bhaiyya: Toh naya kya hai?
Mike: Bhenchod!
Bhaiyya: Achcha sorry, kya hua?
Mike: Kya hua kya? Itna late ho gaya hai yaar, how the fuck do you expect that we will reach on time?
Bhaiyya: Mike, kabhi toh positive attitude dikhaya kar!
Mike: Arey gandu, there is positive thinking and then there is wishful thinking!
Bhaiyya: Arey koi nahi yaar, RAAP DEEE!
Mike: Hahahahahaahaha!

Act II:

Narrator: In trucking circles, there is a legend of a "Ghost Who Drives". This ghost, it is said, has a penchant for possessing the vehicles of drivers driving a very specific type of car; that car being a blue honda accord coupe with a v6 engine (Maryland License Tags (Number 6BCE43)). It is this narrator's great pleasure and sadness to say that Mike's car was possessed by this ghost ever since Bhaiyya took to the wheel of Mike's car.

Bhaiyya and Mike reach Columbus, OH relatively late because of Mike's overcautious driving. Mike thinks that testing fate once too often is the pastime of fools...

Mike: Bhaiyya, abhi tu chala.
In the inimitable style of himself,
Bhaiyya: Haan, haan.
Mike: Main ab sota huun, tu chala sakta hai na? (this statement will be said so often during this trip, that it will in future be refered to as 'tcshn?')
Bhaiyya: Haan, haan.
Mike: Hamesha ki tarah mat chala, pahunchte pahunchte six laac tickets milenge tereko.
Bhaiyya: Arey nahi re, main dekh ke chalata huun, cop dikhega to slow karta huun.
Mike: Lekin the cop sees you with invisible rays called radio waves.
Bhaiyya: Chup bey, randi!
Mike: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Arey but seriously, thodasa slow chala, it doesn't pay to speed...
Bhaiyya: Okay, main samajh gaya huun.
Mike: Thank you.

Bhaiyya speeds, disregarding Mike's fatherly advice. A few hundred miles later...

Enter a non-specific truck driver, named Jack, and his helper John.
Jack: John, son, let me tell you the story of the "Ghost who Drives".
John: I've heard about it.
Jack: Yes, but have you seen the ghost who drives?
John: You mean you have?
Jack: Yes, son, I have. And I have a feeling that we are going to see him again today. This ghost has no regard for the time of day, he can appear at any moment, zoom past your truck and leave in your stomach a sense of awe and a sick feeling that keeps gnawing at you for a few days.
John: Really Jack, I don't believe this crap. You mean to say that you have seen a ghost?Jack: Son, can you see a blue dot on the back horizon in the truck's mirror?
John: So?
Jack: I bet you that it's the Ghost who Drives.
John: Yeah, right! And I am John the Baptist!
Jack: If you don't believe me, you will. Soon.
John: And how's that?
Jack: See that cop car there? Hiding behind the overpass?
John: Yeah, so?
Jack: Do you think he can see us?
John: Of course!
Jack: He can't see the blue car.
John: How do you know?
Jack: When you spend as much time as I have on the Highway, you tend to know these things.
John: Or you can bullshit a lot.

Enter Mr. Policeman, sitting in his patrol car, looking for a speeder. It's been a slow day, not one speeder, can you believe it?

Mr. Policeman: Come on you mothers! SPEED! How else can I finish my ticket quota? And if this time I don't finish my quota, I will be busted down so low, I will have to clean toilets in hell! Why God? Why does this happen to me?

Mr. Policeman looks up toward heaven

Mr. Policeman: God, send me an angel who speeds the shit out of their car, please, send me an angel that will help me get a promotion, send me an angel that will obviate the necessity of this book (holds up the ticket book) for me! Please God PLEASE!
Mr. Policeman, in his violent religious fervor, drops the ticket book to the floor of the car
Mr. Policeman: Oh shit.
Mr. Policeman bends down to pick up the book.

Meanwhile, in Mike's car...
Mike: ABEY SAALE!
Bhaiyya: Kya hua?
Mike: Tereko bola na slow chala slow chala... Abhi dekh cop aa gaya peechhe?
Bhaiyya is temporarily flabbergasted.
Bhaiyya: Abey saale, koi cop nahi hai.
Mike: Malum hai! MUUUUHAHAHAHAHAHA CHUUTYA BANAAAYA! BADA MAZA AAAAYA!
Bhaiyya: Hahahahahahahaha! Tu chutya hai re!
With a feigned bow, Mike: Thank you!
Bhaiyya: Oh Shit!!!!
Mike: Kya hua?
Bhaiyya: COP CAR THA!
Mike: Chup baith, main joke maar raha tha!
Bhaiyya: Lekin main nahi maar raha tha!
Mike: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Bhaiyya: I WAS DOING 95 in 75 MPH zone, man, I am done for.
Mike: RUK RE! Wo nahi aa raha hai apne peechhe! HAHAHAHAAAA Andha cop!
Bhaiyya: Aisa kaise ho sakta hai?
Mike: Malum nahi, sota rahega! hahahahaha
Bhaiyya: Hahahahaha

John's mouth is agape. He has just witnessed the impossible. He has seen a blue car doing 100 mph go right in front of a cop car and the cop doing nothing about it.

John: How the HELL did this happen? I saw the car, it was real, it was a blue car!
Jack: It was the Ghost who Drives. Once the ghost takes hold of your vehicle, it is invisible to all cops!
John: I believe, master!
Jack scratches his long beard like Pei Mei: You have just seen the Ghost who Drives!

Freak Dialogues

Freak Dialogues

I was waching the AFI 100 best movie quotes of all times yesterday. Had some pretty stunning lines in there including "I will make him an offer he cant refuse"- Godfather, "Life is a box of choclates"- Forrest Gump and "You talkin' to me?" - Taxi Driver. Sitting on my ass here in Raliegh I came up with an idea...why dont I write abt 20 of the best Freak dialogues of all times. With able help from Bailya and Marwadi, I conjured 20 of the very best and here it goes...

20. Doneeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeet - Aup
19. Chal fresh hote hai aaj ... - Bhaiyya
18. Bullock ka male Bull hota hai - Aup
17. Uske chacha ne usse naak se gaane ke liye kaha tha kya ? -Bhaiyya (On Sonu Nigam)
16. That peer ... that fuck ... has hagged again - Balls
15. PERSONALLY....I think Illayaraja is better than Rehman - Goli
14. Like aneeeeeeetheeeeeng - Balls
13.Yaar sab kehte hain Lata koel (cuckoo) ki tarah gaati hai. Abey to uske liye Koel hai na....yeh buddhi kyun chahiye.-Bhaiyya
12. Jiska naam Meghneel hai, jo Malad se aata hai aur Temple University mein mein Master's kar raha hai woh bhi Data Mining mein ..woh kabhi uth sakta hai kya?? - Balls
11. Apna to baat ho gaya tha na -Bailya
10. It wasnt as bad as i expected - Lookateeem
9. Kuch cheejein hoti hain yaar - Bhaiyya
8. Watch ur step...U too! - Balls
7. Yaar bahut din ho gaye koi jaanwar ya ladki ka shikar karke !! - Bhaiyya
6. Tu kaan se apna Lund nikal aur tel daal - Bhaiyya
5. Mujhe koi walk karte hue nazar aa raha hai - Goli
4. Nahin,haan,matlab pata nahin yaar - Marwadi
3. Yaar tune kabhi 140 pound ka chutiya dekha hai? - Bhaiyya
2. That's a good un...infact its a great un - Lookateeem
1. Le meri gaand se jala le.... -Bhaiyya

So what do u think abt the list guys...Mention some if I missed something (Definitely I mustve missed a helluva lot).Bhaiyya roxx in one-liners!!!! (He shudnt have gone to Las Vegas though)

Here are some Non-Freak uns that are worth a mention.

Jetlag ho gaya hai Bala - Vivek
Meri Zindagi to khuli khitab hai...Amitabh kya hai mere aagey? - Narayan

Hoping for a lot more of such cult dialogues in the future....
-Balls