Cricket circa. 2009

A Friend forwarded to me an article with prophetic predictions for the Indian cricket team in a few years time. A hilarious read.


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The Times Of India 14th Feb, 2009:

India is playing in a 5 nation tournament ; the other countries being Uganda, Sudan, Papua new guinea and the mighty Bolivia. Today is a must win match for India against tournament favourites Bolivia for a berth in the semi finals. The winner of the tournament will fight for a place to enter the top 35 rankings in the world.

On the morning of the match, a strategy session is being held by Greg and Rahul. This is how it goes.

Greg: Boys, this is one of the most important matches in the last three years. We have to beat Bolivia. Lets go through the batting line up and the bowling line up in this meeting.

Greg: So Sourav, you will open right?

Sourav: I don't know. Bolivia has a pace bowler who only bowls short pitch deliveries. His pace is consistently in the range 55-60 miles /hour. I cannot handle all that pace.

Greg: Oh, thats ok. He won't dare to bowl short pitch stuff against the Indian batsman (we have such good credentials). If he does by mistake, just to make a statement to the media, get Hit Wicket and come back. Such non sense should not be tolerated.

Greg: So who will partner Sourav.

Rahul: I think Sehwag should. He looked in form in the last game against Sudan. He hit 5 fours between first slip and second slip before he got caught at second slip. I think he is in the pink of his form and he should open.

Greg: Thats good.

Greg: Sachin, you will bat at four ... ok?

Sachin: I don't know.I have to go shopping at 11. That means I can't bat beyond ten overs.

Greg: Sourav and Sehwag will last till six overs. So, you will come then. Don't worry, just play your natural game and follow your instincts. You will go by ten overs.

Greg: So Dhoni, you will keep?

Dhoni: I am not keeping. Last time, I kept for three hours. My hair is getting spoiled. I have thousands of lice in my hair. As a result, the cows in my village have started snubbing me and my advances. These days, dragonflies have started staying in my hair as their food lice is there. I need a haircut, I am not playing.

Greg: Please play just one more match, its the mightly Bolivians, just one last one. Please !

Dhoni: Ok. But don't do this next time.

Greg meanwhile was going through the batting averages and noticed that Dravid had the longest stay at the crease for the last 67 matches. So he asked Dravid to give a presentation in front of the team as to what motivated him so much and what was the secret to his concentration.

Dravid: My wife is extremely ugly. So, I try to stay as long as possible away from her. That is why I play a low risk game (In the last game, he hit 3 runs from 92 balls). If I get out, I have to go back to her.

Everyone starts applauding. What an inspirational cricketer.

Now it is time to decide on the bowling line up.

Greg: Obviously Zaheer is opening. He was brilliant last game. (Zaheer had bowled only 23 wides in the last match and he picked up three wickets. The secret to this brilliant bowling performance was a result of a mentoring session from Venkatesh Prasad. Prasad told him that to bowl from mid off and aim at Third slip. As a result, Zaheer returned with the best figures in the match.)

Greg: Off-late I have noticed that Rahul has been facing a lot of pressure and so we have decided to come up with Batting, Bowling and Fielding Captain to relieve Rahul of some of the responsibility.

Greg: I have noticed that Munaf Patel has stayed not out in the last three matches (all the other batsmen had got out by then). I admire the commitment of this lad and as a result he is the Batting Captain.

Greg: I was also going through this figure. Sourav has been involved in 177 run outs. But he himself has never got out. He values his wicket so much. I think we all need to Congratulate him on the price he sets for his wicket. Sourav, you are the running-between-wickets captain.

Greg: Anil has been sitting on the bench for the last three years. He keeps taking snaps throughout the match. He is such a team-man. I think we need to recognize this loyalty. Anil, you are the Bowling Captain.

Greg: Harbhajan is the fielding captain.

Rahul: But he dropped the catch in the last match when he dived to his right to take it.

Greg: At least he dived in the right direction.

After this intense brainstorming session, India looks all set to take on Bolivia. Please pray for the team's success.

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A valiant fight..I would just say I don't care

As an always optimistic, die-hard Indian cricket fan I am hurt and disappointed by the sudden turn of events on the fourth day in Cape Town, which led to this heart breaking series loss vs SA. A lack of killer instict is not a new thing but what is more disheartening is that the practice of giving it all away when the moment is ours is back again.

It is a no-brainer that when the series has to be decided by one good batting performance it is the senior members in the side that need to put their hands up. In India's case, the senior-most, batting legends.. so to say, froze like chickens and were demonstrated what it means to be positive by people who have less than 50 tests to show amongst themselves.

There will be post-mortems galore and people will still go on and say that it was a valiant fight by India especially after an utterly forgettable and dismal one-day series. There will be things said that both teams were evenly matched and no one even thought that India would stick up to South Africa and they gave them a very tough fight.

For what its worth(it wont even be worth scraps probably) I seriously think that if we perform to our abilities ( that has never happened and probably never will) we are a better team than South Africa any given day of the year. I think that we lost the series 1-2 rather than SA winning it 2-1.We got to be ashamed of abject surrender in Durban and Cape Town and some heads need to roll and rightly so.

Rahul Dravid said that the guys showed a lot of character even though the result didn't go their way. I respectfully disagree !

Letter to the Sedator

Dear Mr. Sedator (Greg Chappell),

I was appalled and disappointed with the recent effort by the Indian team in a bid to reach the semifinals of the Mini World Cup. The stage was set for an epic clash at picturesque Mohali. You could see the striking lush green carpet set to the backdrop of beautiful sunflower fields in Punjab yearning for an emotional revenge saga…ala Yash Chopra canvas for many of his one-horse tales. The stadium was split right down the middle: the villainous Aussies having a savage go at each other at the practice pitches, while the coy Indians practicing the age native old warm-up techniques with Kho-Kho. It was a day when D(r)avid was to slay Goliath armed with your unique training methods completely inspired by Rocky Balboa training with gigantic lumber and pounding on Anvil in Rocky 4. But alas…they didn’t have ‘Adrian’ by their side…instead they had a whiny old gaffer in you, Mr.Greg Chappell. Well the only thing common to Rocky 4 and our match was: Where Rocky brought down the Russian Ivan Drago, the Aussies brought down our pants. The search should be on for new training techniques…

Frankly I don’t blame you Mr.Chappell. It’s been 3 years since we defeated the mighty Australians. Everything from passing batons while blindfolded, living in tents and army drills hasn’t worked. You thought a strenuous game of kho-kho would likely be the best way to prepare to beat a team you haven’t defeated in more than a 1000 days. It’s a totally different matter altogether that one of your best batsman is probably is out for over 4 months and as a side-note not to forget that we got drubbed. Practice injuries are part and parcel of the modern game…and you don’t see SRK practicing Kho-Kho in the sunflower fields of Punjab…coz it a MAN’s game. You see what I’m getting at??? Greg - You wanted to instill togetherness and manhood into the squad (and im not talking abt a gay orgy here). Unfortunately though, Kho-Kho didn’t work…but here are some of my suggestions which could be inculcated into your unique training regime:

1. Langdi – I can foresee langdi becoming a huge part of our practice session…and I have good reasons to believe so. A good portion of our ‘core’ players are over the hill viz. Sachin, Dravid, Klums, VVS (well fitness wise he was over the hill even on his debut). It is but natural for these players to suffer from cramps, hamstring pull etc during the course of a match. By regularly practicing langdi, they can show the world that they are a force to reckon with even on one leg. ‘Langdi sprints’ can improve running between the wickets under such circumstances. 10 yrs down the line I can foresee Sehwag trying to sell a Nimbus Production DVD “Langdability” to youngsters on TV – Kids, you want to know the secret behind my longevity in cricket? Watch the screen and you will understand why (Sehwag performing langdi..trying to catch a snail). Well kids don’t be distracted by my bouncing bosom…call now to receive this great TV offer…1800-LANGDI. Operators are standing by to whisk your father’s hard earned money.
   

2. Lagori – Lagori has a gazillion advantages over most of the warm-up routines employed nowadays. First of all, scattering the stones requires pinpoint accuracy which comes in handy for tight direct hit situations. Secondly the quick sprints to gather the stones improves agility and reflexes…ultimately helping in pinching a quick second run. Third and most importantly, avoiding the opponent players throw while you are busy arranging the stones acts as the perfect simulation to evading some really mean bouncers. And as a side note: after the stones are arranged, chanting ‘Lagori…lagori…lagori’ in unison, aides in more vociferous and intimidating appeals to the umpire.
   

3. Chor-Police (Not the chit version) - After all the physically strenuous practice sessions, chor-police would act a good brain cruncher to aid mental toughness. My proposal to you would be to split the team into two: Bowlers (Chor) and Batsmen (Police). The reason behind such a demarcation is for the bowlers to pose a tough and mean exterior and the batsmen to gain style and panache. Guys like Dravid and Sachin can act as the leaders of the Police force (Inspectors) and can foster the younger players like Raina and Dhoni (who can be Havaldars). Sehwag can be the ‘ek-mineet ke liye paan lene gaya tha’ Traffic Police. Similarly for the bowlers, the senior bowlers can be the Gang leaders (Unfortunately for us with Ajit as the most senior bowler, the gang is hardly intimidating).
   

I hope my suggestions are given due thought. It is my solemn pledge that un-wavering adherence to such a practice regime would physically and mentally toughen up our team, achieve unheralded success in the face of sky-high expectations and above all save your job. If you want to avoid the unfortunate situation of having to post your resume on Monster.com, please do give my letter a fair and just reading.

Sincerely,

Balakrishnan.