Why I wouldn’t want to be Shahrukh Khan in my next life

Stuttering more than the muttering mutt Mumbley, hair more unkempt than Carlos Valderrama, hamming more than the ‘Bhishma’ pitamaha of ham acting himself - Mukesh Khanna, here is presenting the ‘master of disaster’ - Shahrukh ‘The ever wailing’ Khan. With a niche for cliché and a penchant for shedding volumes of tears that would make Mother Ganges look woefully destitute of water, he certainly has ‘rowed’ his way right up to the top. Take notice Ms.Jayalalitha, you don’t need to fight over the Cauvery waters; he is the answer to all of Chennai’s water problems. You see you don’t call him ‘King’ for nothing or is it ‘King Nothing’…’King Khan’ is it??? Well I guess we would have to settle with ‘King Kong’.

According to me most fascinating genre of movies is the so-called ‘Serious’ flicks which are unintentionally hilarious. That’s where the term ‘B-grade’ cinema stems from is my guess or in Shahrukh’s case you could call it ‘Badshah-grade’! I hate his unchanging character and the unimaginable amount of “ahmm..urr..amm..uss” sounds he adds to all his dialogues (refer to Kuch Kuch Hota Hai for its extreme usage). A total family guy, single guy caught between two damsels (a novel theme isn’t it!), zealotry, a martyr...u name a Shahrukh movie and he is a Bhel-Puri of all the aforementioned qualities in 299 of the 300 movies that he has acted in. Here I list 5 points as to why he is more annoying than Ranjit Fernando and Rameez Raja put together.

Dude Looks like a lady:

What else could you say about a guy (questionable) who hangs out with the effeminate Karan Johar, acting in his movies targeted at the NRIs (Naturally Retarded Imbeciles) and cries like a teenage girl who has lost the nail polish gloss on her little toe. Whenever a Shahrukh Khan movie is announced, the happiest guys would probably be the Pharmaceutical people…50,000 bottles of Glycerin sold in record time! Another one of his un-manly traits could be seen in his Gay flings with Saif in the movie Kal ho na ho. It doesn’t require clairvoyance to read Shahrukh’s mind during those scenes… ‘Saif is chooo chweeeeeet!’ What next ‘Kya-Roop’ Khan…drag queen???

Kkkiran:

In the movie Darr, Shahrukh has a perfectly fine larynx except when he has to utter the name of his sweetheart…Kkkiran (Mr.Ruk-Ruk Khan…heh heh I’m getting good at this). Probably Kkkcat caught his tongue or maybe during his childhood Preeti Sagar’s tape where she teaches toddlers to pronounce alphabets looped around infinitely on the letter ‘K’. Lesson to be learnt kids don’t buy pirated cassettes (This message was sponsored by the RIAA-Recording Industry Association of America). Also does it make any sense Mr.Kkkhan to woo a girl who belongs to a burly Jat…end result he dies a Kkkutte kkke maut. What an IDIOT! I think this movie should have been named ‘Kkkabhi Stutter Kkkabhi Dumb’.

Awards:

It’s an open secret that Shahrukh has a big say in the Filmfare awards. Otherwise how could one justify him getting an award for DDLJ over the thespian Aamir for Rangeela. If ever there was one award that Shahrukh should ever deserve, that would have to be the ‘Gallant One Of the Filmyworld (GOOF) award’…bestowed for ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ by the Hysterics And Madness (HAM) Network. In no other movie has Shahrukh tried so hard to look trendy, chic and modish wearing figure-hugging T-shirts and tights in all possible flashy hues and supposedly pass off for a college teen. In no other movie has he had such a pesky daughter who in fact steals the show from him for being the most irksome in a movie. In no other movie Rani has looked so stupid yet being called the sexiest. In no other movie Kajol had such a dim-witted role where she overacted as a tomboy, cried inconsolably over an utter moron, decked up to enchant a fossilized species to arouse fresh cinders of love in him after 8 long years or chuck away an exhibitionist bachelor for an old drooling specimen with additional baggage. In no other movie Salman was seen so fully dressed in Versace and Armani suits. And alas, in no other movie does Reema Lagoo has a role as brief as this one. The award is endorsed by the above-mentioned prestigious institution since the movie and SRK have exhibited almost every single element of extol yet again in this movie.

Hissstrionics:

à In the movie Main Hoon Na (a.k.a Main Hoon Na…so what!), there is a crazy sequence in which a Cycle Rickshaw outraces an SUV where Shahrukh with a "Chal-Dhanno-aaj-teri-Basanti-ke-izzat-ka-sawaal-hai" expression puts Lance Armstrong to shame. Recent reports suggest that the sale of Cycle Rickshaws have tripled after the movie… ‘Hero Honda Basanti’ only $39.99 (plus $300 S/H) after $6000 mail in rebate.
à His half an hour dying scene in Kal Ho Na Ho where every single Actor/Extra/Spot boy sit by his deathbed and weep really irked me to the extent that I got up in the theater and screamed “Abey jaldi mar na…kabse paka raha hai’.
à Mohobattein was dubbed as the ‘Clash of the Titans’ with Amitabh (read GOD) squaring up against the Khan. A few minutes into the movie, watching a 60-year old superstar with a 35-year old media made superstar was a clear indication of who’s the boss and who is the stammering twitching joker.

What is in a name? :

“What is in a name?
That which we call a rose
by any other name would smell as sweet.” -- Shakespeare
Ever wondered as to why Shahrukh always has chick-pleasing names like ‘Rahul’ or ‘Raj’ in every movie. Why oh why couldn’t it ever be Goundamani Selvaraj or Maharajapuram Vadivellu? On second thoughts I don’t think it would matter much. Modern Shakespeare would have re-phrased his verse as follows:

What is in a name?
That which we call Rahul
By any other name would still stink (Aadab Arze!)

-Balls