Ei8ht

Disclaimer: This Blog might be a bit gory and unpalatable to everyones taste. Refrain from reading if you dont have a sense of humor. No offence meant to anyone...its just to tickle ur funny bones..if u have one that is!

David Fincher the director of Se7en called me the other day to take over from Kevin Spacey in his forthcoming sequel to Se7en....Ei8ht. He gave me a free hand to decide the people who i wanted to kill desperately, innovative ideas to kill them and involve anyone under the sun to make the murders as spine chilling as possible. I chalked up the script with the victims and the reason i wanted to kill them and Lo Behold!!! Fincher was flabbergasted by my genius and immediately agreed to roll the movie on the floor. But I had to swore to secrecy regarding the plot as these were his exact words "The first rule to Ei8th is that you dont talk about Ei8ht". But hey...i had to share it with the freaks who are my source of eternal inspiration .Insincere and evil friends are more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but evil friends will wound your mind...and i love u guys (yuck). So here is where i let out the beast in myself along with the script.

1) Rameez

Whatever be the time of the day,year,season the first person ive always been itching to kill has been Rameez Raja. His baseless voice,unbelievable inane comments and jingoistic paki blabber makes my neck skin crawl. So he had to go...first up as an opener. It was business as usual for Rameez when he was commenting for a hopeless Zim v Namibia match and bickering about how the namibians dont learn from the pakis and always hit the ball in the aiyea (air).With the help of the evergreen villian Aup I swoop down upon him and kidnap him and his gay partner Sanjay Manjrekar. Straight away I crucify him...but here is the catch instead of nailing his legs Aup nails his balls to the wood. Now Aup chugs down 5 bottles of O'doulls (non-alcoholic beer...yeh!!never made any sense to me either) and breaks the bottles on the ground. I look up to sanjay and say "Jab tak tere pair chalenge uski saans chalegi". The music plays from the background :Pour some sugar on meeeee...and Sanjay starts his 'Lavni pole dance'. Slowly but steadily Rameez gets aroused...but hey 'You got nails!" His erect wookie tauts his balls and then..CLUNK..CLUNK

2) Manjrekar

Sanjay was second on the list. I dont think Rameez ever used toilet papers...Sanjay is (wud be was soon) the best ass licking sycophant ever known to mankind. He agrees to Rameez's atrocious ramblings like ' Younis Khan is a classier ekt (act) than Rahul Dravid'. Agreeing to Rameez's Paki praising is at best tolerable but concuring to the peers Indian denouncements is a plain disgrace.Thats when i decided ok sonny ur next in line. Coming back to the story..as Sanjay prances around despondently on the shards of glass, he watches in disdain as Rameez's balls graze the ground. Its all too much for the panzo and he collapses on the floor and dies immediately of a massive heart attack. My smile broadens as i watch Aup's twinkle shine brightly.

3) Alok Nath

Alok Nath always comes across as an actor who neither laughs nor cries...but has the uncanny knack of emoting both simultaneously...he cryaughs. Always comes across as a scrupulous character donning simplistic names like Dharamprasadji or Badrinaraynji cooing in a unwavering dulcet. It was some rainy wednesday i remember in the late 1980s when i first had to endure the painstaking quabbles of this piecashit called Alok Nath in a junk movie called Maine Pyaar kiya. It didnt take me to do my Master's to come to the conclusion that this man is better dead than alive...else this obliteration to human kind would 'bore' people to death. That was probably the time when Metal started making sense to me and Jaymz hetfield's words lyrics on Fight Fire with Fire hit the right chord... 'Do unto others as they have done unto you'. So I decided that I wud let the 2nd most boring person on earth let loose on Alok...enter Bhaiyya (Aup's friends version of EnterSandman plays in the backgrnd).I leave the details of the conversation to the audience (David Fincher always likes his audience to scratch their grey cells red) but all i cud infer from the CT scan is that Alok died of 'Stodgical haemorrhage'. My work was done...thanks to bhaiyya.

4) Afridi

Now this guy really irks me. Alway live life with the attitude 'Love me, Love my dog, hate Indians'. He has the tenacity to go over to the likes of Rahul and Sachin and talk rubbish. He did have his tail under his legs when he was clobbered for 82 runs off 10 overs and was comprehensively bowled for 0....aukaad bhadve. I put a hungry rat in a small gunny sack and and tied the bag around his head. The rat started gouging on his eyeballs, but sadly cudly stand the stench of the ubathed unshaved peer. It died of Apokalyptischen Reiter (deathly smell). Over to Plan B...a more brutal and deserving death. I pick up the half eyeballed peer and put him inside a wood chopping machine, feet up. Slowly but surely his wails were drowned by the chugging of the machine. The blood and flesh sprayed all over my body...I felt purified. The flesh of the enemy gives rise to Lord Voldemort!

5) Kurup

Ok now His Curtlyness Mr.Pradeep K Kurup the 'Eternal blackness of the non-existant mind' of UMBC. I once saw a photo of him in Orkut taken i think in the backwaters of Kerala. He was sitting on a boat with a fisherman and he totally looked the part himself too. It was kinda difficult for me to decide who was the tourist here...he gelled in so well. It was cheesier than the smoothestiests of provolones. There was no way out Kurup...u had to go from 'God's own country' to God's own backyard. I went back in time offered the fisherman 2 coconuts a sickel and a ticket to Dubai in exchange to capsizing the boat....which he did. At that point in time Kurup was merrily singing the Mallu part from Jiya Jale Jaan Jale 'onjari tanji kunjiko mudari muthodi kundiko wanjali chundari wave tanginaka takadimi adum tangamilave...tanga golusalle udum uriyalle bharat mayiralle'.The in a whiff the boat toppled..but the eternal survivor that Kurup is, he came to the shore unscathed. He came out reeking of rotting fish which enticed some rapacious Grizzlies in the woods to come out of hibernation. The ghastly attack on Kurup has to been seen to be believed...the cinematography in that scene is spell binding. What cannot be destroyed by automobiles can be done so woth the help of animals--- Balakrishnan 2005.

6) Aseem

Tiki Tiki Tai Tai ta tum tum...pak chiki pai pai ta tum tum...yes we r talking of the Baba Sehgal of UMBC. He is probably the only person in the entire world who talks faster than he thinks...result he talks garbage. There was this day when all of us were watching the 1st test match between India v Pakistan and our bowlers were seriously struggling against the Pakis on a flat track. This is where he took off: 'We need proper spin bowlers, not the likes of Kumble who has never turned the ball'. Jadya got annoyed and started arguing with him...'He has taken 450 wickets godammit'. But Aseem wudnt budge from his statements and the irksome conversation continued. I decided to turn the screws a little more on Srikant and quipped 'All bark and no bite'. Srikant was furious...seething with anger he let out a war cry ...yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww and jumped on the frail creature aseem.....Gonno! End of conversation.

7) Marwadi

Here is a man who has always rubbed me the wrong way. Arguing on the worst of topics like 'Quiznos toast their subs at a higher temperature than Subway'...chrissake marwadi get a life. I agree I reciprocate ...lekin marwadi fir bhi chutiya hai. There was this incident back home in India when Marwadi,Aup,Bailya and moi went over to Srikant'Look at heeeem' Subramanian's house somwhere near the glum slum hub of Santa Cruz. His building is really old (sometimes i wondered how it cud take the weight of Jadya). Marwadi furiously started arguing with Srikant's dad that the building shud be felled and a new one built on the same grounds. Aup and I stared at each other in dismay...Srikant's dad for heavens sake! Since then we started calling him 'Marwadi:The vehement building feller'.Thats when I start making my plans...I call upon the best structural engg in town to inspect the building. He tells me the exact time and date when the building wud give way. I conjure all my skills learnt from Emotional Blackmail 101 and woo marwadi into coming over to Srikant's place...a memory revist to days of yore. Marwadi complies unknown to the hidden dangers ahead of him (coz he is a chutiya) where Srikant is waiting for him with a cloak, rope and some TB tablets. As soon as marwadi steps into his building, Srikant jumps on him from behind (not literally u fools its a figure of speech) and ties him to the building compound. This is an igeneous death my friends...no detonators...no bombs....the building falls at the exact time and marwadi dies what appears a natural disaster death..aha!

8) Goli

Goli is passing through that area at that point in time speaking to the slum dwellers collecting data from them as to how many Joules of power the consume so that he cud use the data to generate and distrubute electricity in Jammu. The loud noise startles him and upon seeing marwadi buried under the rubble,HE DIES IN AGONY!!!

Finisio

-Balls