License to Kill

Caution: Spoilers Ahead

After a strenuous week at work, I decided to treat myself with a movie. The options at that time were Babel, Casino Royale and the much acclaimed and hated Borat. But, by the time, I left work, the only option available to see was Casino Royale. A Bond movie and having seen all the previous ones, I just had to watch it. I guess, its not so much about the movie or the story but to be able to see all of them. Infact, I have also seen the 1967 spoof of the Bond Movie which has the same name and has the comic genius Peter Sellers as Bond himself.

So what does one expect from a Bond movie, Daredevil and earth defying action, Bond Girls who ooze with sexuality, Bond Villains who have larger than life roles and grandeur plans to rule the world, Car chases which would put mere mortals in awe. And yet, I watch it with all the fascination I can muster. Maybe just to be in a world where it is possible to defeat evil single handedly, maybe to see the world more as a touch of black and white, not having shades of grey.

Yet, I decided to go to the movie to watch all the gadgets, the fascinating cars, the sensuous Bond girls and villains who I would admire them for their plots. But I was pleasantly surprised. This movie is the adaptation of Ian Fleming's first James Bond Novel of the same name published in 1953. But, it is not the same plot. The broad plot is intermixed with today's realities. While the original plot was based on the cold war rivalry between Russia and the West. This was different.

This movie starts at a time where Bond does not have a 00 status. This is a vintage Bond, who is a normal spy and uses his bare hands and his stamina to kill people. We do not see a spectacular mission to set of the movie, but a subdued monochromatic scene where he kills a double agent while reminiscing his first kill. He doesn't waste time on melodrama but clinically kills the enemy like an assassin would do. This scene is a sets the pace of the movie. It is going to be different than all other Bond Movies so far.

This movie is different from all other movies in many different ways. It has the reality of blood money from Africa to the shadow world of terrorism to smooth operators who converts their funds to legitimate means in quite a believable way. The movie does not have glamorous Bond girls and neither the elaborate sex romps which are a hallmark of Bond's persona, but divulges more of Bond the man and his thoughts. There are hardly any swimsuit shots and the one scene is actually a long shot.

Another significant aspect of the movie shows Bond to be not perfect as embodied by Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan before. This movie gives a glimpse of the way Bond thinks about women. Infact, it is the movie where Bond falls in love and is ultimately betrayed. Bond commits mistakes and at times questions his own judgment. The movie does not have the characters in white or black but shades of grey, self doubt, sacrifice, selfishness and this includes even the love interest of James Bond - Vesper Lynd. Sarcasm and Wit are the hallmark of Lynd's character without showing a hint of skin. Bond attempts to charm her to bed but is torn apart with his real feelings for her.

This is a movie, where M is shown to have a family and is not afraid to reign in James Bond if required. She does not give in to the recklessness to Bond while also acting as shrink to Bond. Q or his successor is notably absent from the movie. Total absence of a car chase which again like the swimsuit is over before it started. But its a phase in Bond's career where he moves on from being rough to being sophisticated. But its a 3 hour movie which is almost riveting, thrilling without having all the aspects of a Bond Movie. Daniel Craig cannot be compared to either Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan but a more believable Bond and is in his own class.

While it does not have outrageous stunts but it has Bond cleaning up his own blood after an encounter to being the suave gentleman to saying the last line of the movie, "The Bitch is dead". It is truly a different Bond movie having a grittier Bond.

The Inexplicable

Disclaimer: The following material is offensive. If you dislike scathing attacks and mud-slinging please speak up so that I can remove you from the blog roll.

As I got off the phone with Balls this evening, I started thinking about a topic to blog. The Kantiesque blog which Balls and I had thought about a few weeks ago had been shelved due to lack of time, creativity and refusal to pen about something chimerical.The impending Monday morning blues had already started creeping into my mind and that, compounded with the perpetual school sleep cycle, meant that I was wallowing in my bed, ruminating about another wasted weekend. Thats when I picked up the fone to check if someone would be awake. Since it was 1 AM EST already the only target was Bhaiyya.
Now it is a known fact that Bhaiyya loses a bit of his mojo or whatever it is when he breathes even an iota of West Coast air. Fathom this.. Bhaiyya has moved to the West Coast now and is breathing all there is to breathe of that air.So our complaints are totally justified and vindicated with Bhaiyya's idiosyncasies over the past few weeks. Here is a transcript of our conversation and ofcourse some things won't be disclosed to maintain it's sanctity (just like pixelated nude scenes on Star Movies)

The start:
Bhaiyya: Hmmmmmm...(long pause)...Aup Baba ki Jai Ho
Aup: Aayushyaman Bhava putr..jeete raho
Bhaiyya: Kya chal raha hai ? (Bhaiyya's trivial and first question)
Aup: Ku.. (interrupted by Bhaiyya)
Bhaiyya: Aaj khaana banaya re jabardast.
Aup: Tu aise trivial cheezein kyoon batate rehta hai ?
Bhaiyya: Arre nahi re.. (starts 10,000 times repeated dialogue) Roj Khaana to Aunty banati hai naa..aaj maine banaya..badhiya bana tha

The middle:
At this point the conversation shifts to how much the girls' looks matter in an arranged marriage and Bhaiyya's incessant FAQs hit the roof. I try to crack a joke on that and end up shooting myself in the foot. Bhaiyya dissects the joke and asks me meanings of a few words along the way raping the joke in his own inimitable way. Then follows a discourse about how he finds it very easy to rate a girl on her looks and cannot comment about guys in the same vein. My question becomes diluted to the point of being rhetorical and I exhort Bhaiyya to leave the thread and start the next.
Aup: Weekend mein Suraj aur Samir aaye hue the..(trying to continue)
Bhaiyya(interrupting again) : Tu paach baar bata chuka hai.
Aup: Arre..mujhe khatam to karne de..kutte ke tarah movies dekha hum logon ne.
Bhaiyya (now surpassing Alok ): Matlab haath aur pair uppar karke "hah..hah..hah" karke dekha kya.
I just keep silent ignoring his remark and let him know the sheer naivete of his remark.
Aup: Neways..Babel dekha hum logon ne..kaafi achchi movie hai..dekh kabhi time mile to
Bhaiyya ( in Bihari mode): Spelling batayega jara ?
Then there are a few more questions..then some "hmmmms" and long pauses and then again a few more questions.

The abrupt end:
Suddenly, as its known in Bhaiyya's recent phone conversations, he keeps quiet and there is not a word uttered in 2 mins. Though this is nothing new, I still ask him
Aup: Tu net surf kar raha hai kya ?
Bhaiyya: Hmmmm (long pause)
Aup:(thinking..Duh.. he was surfing the net all the way long)
Again there is silence for another 2 minutes (no violins playing in the background here). Bhaiyya totally on the fence a la Marw.
Aup: Chal theek hai yaar call karta hoon kal.
Bhaiyya: Chal theek hai..good Night

Has this become a regular thing or is it just me? A conversation with Bhaiyya nowadays lacks the subtle "nuisances" of caustic humor and witty sarcasm of yore. All that is dished out is a plethora of questions, a repeated account of trivial, inconsequential happenings accompanied with sporadic communication breakdown due to a total refusal of speech.
WHHHHYYY ? ......(Silence)

P.S:
The abrupt end was synonymous to the end of a phone conversation with Bhaiyya.

Letter to the Sedator

Dear Mr. Sedator (Greg Chappell),

I was appalled and disappointed with the recent effort by the Indian team in a bid to reach the semifinals of the Mini World Cup. The stage was set for an epic clash at picturesque Mohali. You could see the striking lush green carpet set to the backdrop of beautiful sunflower fields in Punjab yearning for an emotional revenge saga…ala Yash Chopra canvas for many of his one-horse tales. The stadium was split right down the middle: the villainous Aussies having a savage go at each other at the practice pitches, while the coy Indians practicing the age native old warm-up techniques with Kho-Kho. It was a day when D(r)avid was to slay Goliath armed with your unique training methods completely inspired by Rocky Balboa training with gigantic lumber and pounding on Anvil in Rocky 4. But alas…they didn’t have ‘Adrian’ by their side…instead they had a whiny old gaffer in you, Mr.Greg Chappell. Well the only thing common to Rocky 4 and our match was: Where Rocky brought down the Russian Ivan Drago, the Aussies brought down our pants. The search should be on for new training techniques…

Frankly I don’t blame you Mr.Chappell. It’s been 3 years since we defeated the mighty Australians. Everything from passing batons while blindfolded, living in tents and army drills hasn’t worked. You thought a strenuous game of kho-kho would likely be the best way to prepare to beat a team you haven’t defeated in more than a 1000 days. It’s a totally different matter altogether that one of your best batsman is probably is out for over 4 months and as a side-note not to forget that we got drubbed. Practice injuries are part and parcel of the modern game…and you don’t see SRK practicing Kho-Kho in the sunflower fields of Punjab…coz it a MAN’s game. You see what I’m getting at??? Greg - You wanted to instill togetherness and manhood into the squad (and im not talking abt a gay orgy here). Unfortunately though, Kho-Kho didn’t work…but here are some of my suggestions which could be inculcated into your unique training regime:

1. Langdi – I can foresee langdi becoming a huge part of our practice session…and I have good reasons to believe so. A good portion of our ‘core’ players are over the hill viz. Sachin, Dravid, Klums, VVS (well fitness wise he was over the hill even on his debut). It is but natural for these players to suffer from cramps, hamstring pull etc during the course of a match. By regularly practicing langdi, they can show the world that they are a force to reckon with even on one leg. ‘Langdi sprints’ can improve running between the wickets under such circumstances. 10 yrs down the line I can foresee Sehwag trying to sell a Nimbus Production DVD “Langdability” to youngsters on TV – Kids, you want to know the secret behind my longevity in cricket? Watch the screen and you will understand why (Sehwag performing langdi..trying to catch a snail). Well kids don’t be distracted by my bouncing bosom…call now to receive this great TV offer…1800-LANGDI. Operators are standing by to whisk your father’s hard earned money.
   

2. Lagori – Lagori has a gazillion advantages over most of the warm-up routines employed nowadays. First of all, scattering the stones requires pinpoint accuracy which comes in handy for tight direct hit situations. Secondly the quick sprints to gather the stones improves agility and reflexes…ultimately helping in pinching a quick second run. Third and most importantly, avoiding the opponent players throw while you are busy arranging the stones acts as the perfect simulation to evading some really mean bouncers. And as a side note: after the stones are arranged, chanting ‘Lagori…lagori…lagori’ in unison, aides in more vociferous and intimidating appeals to the umpire.
   

3. Chor-Police (Not the chit version) - After all the physically strenuous practice sessions, chor-police would act a good brain cruncher to aid mental toughness. My proposal to you would be to split the team into two: Bowlers (Chor) and Batsmen (Police). The reason behind such a demarcation is for the bowlers to pose a tough and mean exterior and the batsmen to gain style and panache. Guys like Dravid and Sachin can act as the leaders of the Police force (Inspectors) and can foster the younger players like Raina and Dhoni (who can be Havaldars). Sehwag can be the ‘ek-mineet ke liye paan lene gaya tha’ Traffic Police. Similarly for the bowlers, the senior bowlers can be the Gang leaders (Unfortunately for us with Ajit as the most senior bowler, the gang is hardly intimidating).
   

I hope my suggestions are given due thought. It is my solemn pledge that un-wavering adherence to such a practice regime would physically and mentally toughen up our team, achieve unheralded success in the face of sky-high expectations and above all save your job. If you want to avoid the unfortunate situation of having to post your resume on Monster.com, please do give my letter a fair and just reading.

Sincerely,

Balakrishnan.