Anthem

My mouth was left agape in shock and utter disbelief seeing one of the greatest drivers in Formula 1 history, Michael Schumacher, drive through the Dunlop Kurve chicane in Suzuka only to park his beautiful Ferrari a few metres ahead and walk away in disappointment. With 16 laps to go, Ferrari's engine gave up and ended his hopes to win the race and, unless he gets a bit of divine intervention, the Driver's title this season. It was painful to watch the scene. Two races to go, Schumacher tied on points with his arch rival, Alonso, and comfortably crusing to victory would have given him an advantage of 2 points going into the last race in Brazil. However, luck chose to desert him and Ferrari at the most critical juncture in the championship.

Or should I say, Lady Luck deserted him and his team! Come to think of it, there must be a reason why we impute feminine gender to the concept of luck.

F1 fans and followers are well aware of the legendary reliability that Ferrari has enjoyed in recent years. As a matter of fact, it was in the French Grand Prix of 2000 that Schumi had ever retired with an engine failure on the scarlet beauty. A Ferrari engine blow-up is rarer than the possibility of Leander Paes beating Amelie Mauresmo in a singles match. Factual evidence and outlandish metaphors notwithstanding, smoke billowed from the engine of that car, and unfortunately at the most inopportune moment! Luck shares this innate quirkiness with a woman. Everything might look fine and dandy and she might appear to be cheerful throughout the day, the sort of cheerfulness that makes her man think he's gonna get lucky that night. And when the time is ripe for activity, the proverbial headache or exhaustion creeps out of nowhere!! He can't help but think, "Shit I thought I did a good job at kissing your ass the whole day and now it looks like I'm gonna have to look forward to the shower yet again!"

The rules of grammar of a bastardized language like English often don't ascribe specific gender to majority of nouns. Hindi, on the other hand, is far richer from this standpoint. If you think about English words and use the gender connotation that Hindi provides to their corresponding counterparts, a lot of interesting facts are revealed.

"Car" is such a noun in English that bears feminine gender when considered in Hindi. More than the fact that cars are assembled electro-mechanical parts that often arouse men, they bear resemblance to women at a more fundamental level - Maintenance. Guys are creatures that usually exist by a live-and-let-live credo. They usually are less "detail-oriented" than women. For them, a birthday is just another day. I mean, "Heck I got OLDER by one year so what the fuck should I celebrate!" Now, women are so gung-ho about such specific days that if you don't show the same excitement or if you realize the occurrence of the occasion pretty late into that day or still worse, totally forget about it, your sleeping place is guaranteed to be on the couch for a week or so. Then despite complete foreknowledge, you are expected to fall prey to the Marketing and Advertising demons conjured by companies like Hallmark, Godiva, Lindt and spend money on buying gifts to make-believe you are on the same page as to the significance of this day to mankind. And remember, you are talking about hard-earned money that you were saving to spend on worthwhile stuff like DVDs, music CDs, a Bose system or a memory card (or "Bulbs" in my case). You are then expected to choose words carefully while you write some shit on the card, maybe light a couple of candles over dinner and be your best gentlemanly self....Too much maintenance!! And then Women Liberation Groups stage a dharna saying we reduce them to the level of "objects". Gross display of double standards! Well, if you expect us to maintain you like a commodity or an expensive gadget, I don't understand what's the fuss all about!?!

Bollywood is the most prolific movie-making industry on this planet. When we speak of movies (Hindi or otherwise), we usually say something like "Movie dekhi?" v/s "Movie dekha?" - Feminine gender, yet again. Hindi movies, in a lot of ways, DO provide a good representation of the female race.
-- Majority of them don't care for substance.
-- Most of them are centered around an emotion that defies logic and reasoning, creates complications in a man's life, robs him of freedom and peace and at best, creates an illusion of well-being.
-- Men (Producers and audience) usually pour a lot of money into them. (Side Note: There's a reason why Americans named their currency "Dollars" – 'cause it gets you them dolls!)
-- It takes many about 3 hours to climax!

I also think Hindi scholars in India must have been pretty smart. They created a word called "Aabaadi", a word that stands for "Population" in English, and then attributed feminine gender to it. I think there's a strong flavor of past experience and clairvoyance on their part in this one. Clairvoyance, that when it comes to the Indian population, there's a modicum of probability the numbers are gonna go down. Experience helped them relate it to Indian women. It's true - they rarely go down! I'm sure we are living in changing times but if you consider a large sample space, you would still discover a majority of women who still do not consider bestowment of oral pleasure, a viable instrument of expression of love towards their partner. I simply don't get it (pun intended)! To deprive men of that pleasure is doing disservice to God. Apart from Shahid Afridi, there’s a purpose behind the existence of everything on God's own planet. You think He gifted man the talent to invent a lollipop for whom?...kids!?! Hell no!! It was for women to derive a cue from. Likewise, there’s a reason why He conferred on women, the ability to sit on their knees. This is probably why when men stand, their waist reaches as much over the floor as it does now. Take a hint, ladies!

Recently, I bought a T-shirt from Spencer's that very well goes in tune with the aforementioned noble thought. It read, "Love Sucks, True Love Swallows" – I think women ought to make it the anthem of their lives.