Always nostalgic ...

I got a mail from Kausum today which had a picture of a rekdiwaalah making tea somewhere in Bombay. That got me thinking as to why do we always have to feel nostalgic about anything related to Bombay or India. Pictures of a cutting chai waalah, Marine Drive, a BEST bus, local trains, a boy flying kite standing on a platform roof, anything and everything to do with Bombay/India ... why do they have to make us nostalgic and if they don’t then people make us believe there is something wrong with us, that we are unpatriotic, that we have become Americanized, in short ... we have lost it.

According to me this all-the-time nostalgia is not justified at all. 3 or how many ever years back we had 2 choices in front of us; either continue studying/working in India or come to the US for studying/working. We had 2 clear choices. We understood the consequences of picking each choice. And we chose to come over here for earning those American Dollars. And that’s what we are doing right now. Now if we think that we are missing so much by staying over here then we should move back. But no, we don’t want to move back also, we want to earn dollars.

In that case, we should get over this all-the-time nostalgia phase and accept the present as it is. We should learn to live in the present. We are in the US and that’s the present. India/Bombay is a thing of the past and maybe (hopefully ... definitely) of the future, but its certainly ain’t the present. We are losing precious present over a thing of the past; past which will always be there, past which cannot be changed.

Nostalgia is just glorified cribbing .... methinks.

Was this close…

I’m in a confession mood right now. Going with the flow, I am going to recall an incident that happened with me on a rainy afternoon in Bombay back in 2001. This was the time when I was working for Microland as a Snr. Systems Engineer (recently promoted that too). I was working on-site at Procter & Gamble in a dilapidated little building in Mahalakshmi. I had to go to my main office in Andheri to sign and accept my promotion.

Since it was raining heavily, I decided to take a cab to Andheri even though it would have cost me a fortune. Unfortunately it was raining so heavily that I couldn’t even find a cab. The traffic was moving at a snail’s pace due to the incessant rains and water logging in what essentially is the second most low-lying areas of Bombay after King’s Circle. I was standing under a dripping thatched shelter bus stop contemplating on whether it’s worth going to Andheri. As I was just about to turn back and make a dash towards to the office, I spotted a yellow-black fiat slowly chugging its way towards me. I frantically started waving my hands in a bid to catch the driver’s attention under these conditions. Bless his soul he immediately stopped…but much to my dismay I saw a guy seated in the front besides the driver and a girl sitting at the back.

The driver asked me in a typical Bambaiya fashion “Kidhar jaaneka hai boss?” I replied back in the same lingo “Andheri jaaneka hai mereko…lekin aapka ‘savaari’ hai na”. He replied with a devilish smile “Boss shared karna padega….idhar aur koi taxi nahin milega aapko”. I was like…what the heck, I don’t give a damn…just had to go and collect it as I had to leave for Delhi the next day. I was totally drenched and sat down at the back besides the girl. I had no clue if the middle-aged man sitting in the front and the girl were related or not. So I just sat tight, hearing the blathering of the driver about how the government doesn’t do anything about the roads during monsoon and the corrupt RTO officers. After about 10 mins or so, the girl suddenly asked me “Do you work around here?” That was the first time I saw her face…fair, radiant and wet. I replied in the affirmative and generally started chatting about the weather and her occupation. She apparently was from Delhi and was in her 3^rd year Medicine at Jaslok hospital. She was getting back to her Girl’s hostel in Bandra before the situation went through the roof.

The other guy in the cab got down at Prabhadevi after about 30 mins of traveling from Worli at a pedestrian’s pace of approximately 10 kmph. On the way from Dadar to Bandra we merrily chatted about motley of topics ranging from Medicine v Engg and Delhi v Bombay etc. She spoke in a sweet dulcet but firm, crisp and clearly. I really was enjoying the conversation I was having with her on a miserable day. I had no clue as to how time passed but I suddenly found that we were in Bandra. The cab screeched before a lousy rust colored building. I quickly exchanged phone numbers with her and moved on. On my way towards Andheri, all I could do was think about her. She had really caused a flutter in my heart…it was a passing thought I guessed.

I flew to Delhi the next day afternoon to work on some God forsaken project. The conversation about Delhi with Sanjana just ruminated in my brain. I used to smile at myself while working late hours….strange. I made up my mind to call her once I came back to Bombay which I did. We spoke at length, continuing on the topic that Bombay was a zillion times better than Delhi (which I firmly believe is). We decided to meet up at Barista (I seriously didn’t know y I choose that stupid place) in Bandra. Things just got better as we spoke about a whole bunch of new topics ranging from euthanasia to Stem cells and abortion. We enjoyed each other’s company that day and I was really keen to meet her again….and we did and a lot many times after that.

It had come to a point that we started calling each other everyday and talked on the fone till wee hrs in the morning….till that very fateful day on the 7^th of August, 3 days before I had to leave for the US. She called me over to stop by at her place (hostel) before I left. It was an unspoken message that we were going around without ever uttering it to each other. I went to meet a few of my friends place that afternoon and headed to her hostel at around 7 in the evening. She opened the door and stood before me in a resplendent red spaghetti strap and low cut jean, showing off her fair under belly. She had nicely decorated her room with ribbons with a big wine bottle on the side table and a well illuminated candle. As soon as I entered the room I greeted by a big warm hug ( I am more than certain that I heard a few sniffs). We had a couple of tall glasses of crystal clear white wine and generally chatted about where our relationship was heading. It was really tough on me and more on her coz we had become emotionally involved.

Out of the blue, I did not know what overcame her and our lips met. The feeling was of a gentle dew drop falling on my lips. I held her tighter…the feeling of her supple breasts crashing on my chest was the warmth and strength I needed to make my headway to the US. Unfortunately in the heat of the moment, we had no control of where we were headed. Flailing hands and wet lips were the order of the day. I slowly and carefully undressed her exposing every part of her pearly white skin….she certainly did look like an angel. She helped me undress while our lips were still locked for a precious few minutes. I was a wee bit buzzed…but I was in totally control of the situation…I certainly did not want to mess up on a beautiful little act.

As we were fondling each other, I heard a loud bang, a gun shot to be precise. I jumped up totally startled, though praying in my mind…GOD please don’t ruin this for me. I heard a huge roar “Shoot that bitch….Ohhh that’s that’s just awesome dude”. I peered down the bed much to my dismay Lookateem and Goli playing “Enemy territory”. I was just woken up from my sweet lill siesta dream to the bitches’ incessant screaming.
‘GUTENTAG’

Now what did he do wrong?

Dada has been dropped from the squad for the 3rd Test. I seriously dont get this circus that they are playing around with Ganguly's career. He has been in terrible form over a past year or so and I totally supported the fact that he needed to be dropped, get back to the roots and score heavily in domestic cricket. This is how events unfolded:

1. First the news comes out from the selectors (More particularly) that Ganguly is included in the test team as an all-rounder.

2. Ganguly doesnot even bowl 5 overs in test 1 and 2 combined

3. He makes a dodgy and important 39 and 40 in the second test.

4. Dravid says :"He played very well in both innings". But the selectors decided to drop him.

5. Aha...the selectors. The newly appointed guys...still groping to find their feet under the media flashbulbs. After Sharad Pawar was appointed the BCCI president, the first task that was carried out was to oust the 3 selectors who had vociferously backed Ganguly's inclusion. Three new puppets were instated and now Dada is out.

6. Coming to the question of his performance in the 2nd test, I thought he looked really solid. He fought it out in a good partnership with Sachin in the first and Yuvi in the 2nd. And since he was dropped solely based on the performance of the 2nd test explain Gambhir's inclusion to me.

7. And who does replace him??? Wasim Jaffer....Wasim who?? Doesnt matter folks as far as Mr. Sharad and company are concerned he is from Mumbai...and thats the ticket to get in.

It just seems that the bunch of fools led by a corrput politician and a big-mouthed stumper are out there just to strike out Ganguly and a glorious chapter off Indian cricket's reams. As my friends from Lock Stock would put it..."Its lame, Its a pain, Its SHAME of the fuckin' century"

-Balls

You're the nigger in here

I was looking at Forbes 400 richest in america 2000. Gururaj Deshpande's name showed up here.To search for more material on him, I googled "Gururaj Deshpande", first link that came up was this. I started looking at http://dalitstan.org/ whose objective apparently is "Human Rights Organization working for the Upliftment of Dalits". I started delving more into the articles posted on this crappy little website and going by today's proceedings thought this was the article I should choose to put up.

Now tell me would you call Tendulkar..just "Tendulkar" or "Brahmin Tendulkar" ?
Comments are most welcome.

-- Pushkar

Betrayal

Following is a the letter which the head of the sacred order of non-graduates Aup, sent to his disciples shortly after the ghastly turn of events of November 21st 2005.

Quote:

"I thought that adages were meant to be a reflection of reality. I believed that birds of a feather flock together and had left no stone unturned in my effort to instill the principles of indiscipline, lethargy and procrastination into members of our sacred cult. But today, on 21st November 2005 EST 12.30, I reveived a call which shattered the very foundations of my beliefs, hitherto, as hard as a rock. The haunting words "There are exceptions to every rule" resounded in my mind giving me a glimpse of the pragmatic. In every walk of life we have come across atheists, or being politically correct, agnostics ( Bailya, Goli, Marw , Bhaiyya and Savitha) who thought that "non-graduation" as a philosophy per se, could exist, but didn't believe in it ( their one semester extensions and subsequently their graduation explains this). We (Aup, Balls, Mike...) stuck to our mission statement "Thou shall not graduate..ever!" as our raison d'etre. But the turn of events of today can be unequivocally described as catastrophical. People tag along with the core individuals(of this cult) and then, somewhere in time, part ways and commit such heinous crimes, that shake the very foundation( of this rare sacred cult ). Not so long ago, Mr. Balakrishnan Ramachandran was a sincere member who with his unwavering loyalty, was the right hand of the Master Aup (MS CE/CS Aug 2002 -), which, had earned him the true admiration and respect of the esteemed regulars Mike ( MS CS Aug 2003 -), Ashutosh (Aup's friend from Rockville MS CE June 2000 -) and Aditya ( Aup's friend from San Diego MS CS Aug 2001 -). Then there was the genesis of a forbidden desire and an inner voice led him off on a tangent. He kept digging in, ploughing hard, against all odds (the set of ideals preached within our cult) , much to the chagrin of the orthodox ranks. The result.. with a combination of his effort ( or so we are made to think) , his critically acclaimed manipulative, glib-talking skills, he successfully defended his Master's thesis and is now marching with aplomb, towards "Graduation"( my apologies for the blasphemy). This ignominous act of his, has left me with absolutely no choice other than to unceremoniously discard him from the order with the severest degree of dishonor. Anyone contemplating the unthinkable shall be dismembered from the cult with immediate effect. At dusk, the Master will address all disciples in an attempt to stem the overflowing sentiment of betrayal and douse the blaze of the fire of graduation. There would be a clarion call to never tolerate such a betrayal of trust and disloyalty and repose your faith in our mantra .. The truly educated never graduate"

Unquote

Dear Balls,

Jokes apart, I feel really happy for you that you did it and did it in style (thesis passed without changes). You kept the motivation going and pushed hard to get the job accomplished, which, is something I will take inspiration from. You were ably assisted by the power of English and your spot-on shot in the dark. I wish I could say that I know how it feels to get the burden of thesis off your shoulders, but I am not qualified to do that. So, for once being non-Aup, heartiest congratulations for a job well done and kudos on your gracious exit from our cult !

40 Years of Torture and More !!!!

Well an epoch making event has just happened, Shahrukh Khan has turned 40 !!! This blog is dedicated to him and one of our esteemed reader who posted one of our hate mails for an earlier blog.

First and Foremost - Lets talk about the newest resolution of Shahrukh Khan -

"He is going to quit smoking"

Its quite a bold step to do. Infact, I believe he started smoking to show that he is a man enough. But after his happy relationship with his friend Karan Johar, I guess he has realized that he does not need to be a man anymore and can return to his basic instincts ... of bein a woman ...
You ask for proof !!! Watch the latest LUX ad.

The fallouts :-

1. We will have to endure more of his movies and his bakwaas for the coming decade. It was becoming unbearable but now since he wont die fast ... I can only worry about the future in Bollywood movies for us.

2. Infact i shudder at the thought when my Kid will ask "Why was sharukh khan considered such a best actor " in the most sarcastic voice. I guess the answer to that would be He is basically an embodiment of a female trapped in a male body and his constant trials and tribulations to retain his original form.

3. With Karan Johar not smoking too .. I guess we will see more relationship and association between SRK and KJ ... spells more trouble for us.

Second :-

" SRK always new he had talent and his success would be riding on talent than anything else" -- Azziz Mirza

Blah ... If he had talent then I have better talent than him in acting or even Balls.

Third :-

Two comments from SRK

"If in Titanic, an 80yr old woman can still love the young man she loved then why cant there be a love story between a ghost and a woman"

"Asoka is ahead of its contemporaries"

Should I even comment on it ..NAAAAAAAH

Also, Last but not he least

SRK : "I do not want to watch my own movie"

I guess he is better off having no issues with mental anguish which we suffer from his incessant
chattering ... and lack of any skills whatsoever .. I guess we can safely assume that he will outlive us.

I hope to see a movie where apna GOD (Amitji) kill him in a classic showdown in all the SeVen ways possible. We need a redeemer !!!

Two Brothers

A couple of days back Vishal posed me the question: What did Amitabh wanted to convey to his audience when he said “You see the coefficient of the linear is just a position … by the hemoglobin of the atmospheric pressure in the country”. I thought long and hard…racked my embryonic cells…but in no way could I make any logical sense of that statement. I crashed in the night, twisting and turning with the poser just compounding my insomnia. Suddenly the theme music of Dr. Strangelove (a Kubrick movie) started playing. I jumped up totally startled, but was instantly put to ease knowing that it was a specific ringtone I had set for Marwadi’s calls. “Hello Bala main Anubhav”… I yawned. Marwadi dished out the usual…blathering about human rights to a tarantula’s libido. Strangely this time around he sounded a lot like somebody I knew, I had heard, I revered. A palm sized steel box flashed followed by a perpetually peeved expression and then a torso sporting a torn baniyan. That’s it!!!! It was Raj Babbar…the man, that God, that Sheen!

With the power of ‘hindsight’, I could somehow recollect that I had always ribbed Marwadi of wearing a similar baniyan to the one worn by Babbar in ‘Mazdoor’. My mind started racing; with a pounding heart and an excited cerebellum, I started crawling to delve into the intricate parallels of the two legends. Here are my humble findings:

1. Unnamed sources tell me that Raj Babbar has an uncanny similarity to the way Marwadi greets on the fone. So the other day I called his RJD office (Raj Ji ka Dal) and left him a voice mail about a fake possibility of a lead role in Clockwork Orange II (another Kubrick movie).Bubbah is ofcourse famous for his rape scenes in many hindi movies...a pederast scaring Padmini 'Khola'puri. Raj ji excitedly called me back, to confirm the odd similarity between the greats: "Hello Bala main Raj Babbar".
   

2. Sometime back, when I was still in Baltimore the excited 2 yr old kid Srikant dragged me into watching an absolutely shoddy Akshay Kumar movie by the name ‘Police Force’. It was so ridiculously dire that I couldn’t even make a single retort (which is unheard of… believe me). Raj Babbar’s virgin dialogue was the only saving grace of the movie. He enters a flower exhibition and splutters in his now legendary Oxpardessh English: “Real-lee gawd's kree-ay-tion is phan-tie-stick. Eats-grate”! He could deliver such a fantastic line with ‘paan’ strewn all over his oral cavity. Man’s love for flowers is generally unheard of…but this is where the generalization stops and the parallelization begins. This is what I mean. I rest my case.
   

3. I’m pretty sure that you guys haven’t seen Bubbah saab ever dance. Neither have I, but according to me going by the similarities with Marw, we could safely conclude that it wouldn’t be very far from Marw’s slick moves. If u guys have ever seen Marwadi after a heavy lunch or dinner, you would precisely know what I’m talking about. When he burps, its not just gas escaping his esophagus, but it’s a release of energy that actually culminates into a nice conglomeration of urban punk and break dance. The mid-riff synchronously follows the neck and the butt to form a nice wavy motion with the hands flapping the air in rhythmic movement. I would leave this unique step to your imagination, but believe my gut feeling Babbar Sher wouldn’t be far off from this one.
   

4. Leaving aside the Lucknowi accent (for its cult usage watch the now legendary dialogue from LOC: How many Kajulteez are thyair?), the Sher has paid homage to Marwadi in a particular scene from the movie Sansar. Bollywood ishtyle he kissed Rekha (background two flowers touching each other) and had her pregnant. The coy family woman that she is, she is unable to break the news to the Sher. This is the dialogue that ensues (its too difficult to describe the scene so the actual meaning is in brackets):
   

Sher: Ahhhh ( Wassup?)
Rekha: hmmm (I’m fucked!!!)
Sher: Huaahhh (Watchya mean Nigga?)
Rekha: (pointing to a 16x16 picture of a white kid)
Sher: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Should have purchased a condom)

Imagine if the same dialogue was to take place between Sher and Marwadi:
Sher: Ahhhh ( Wassup?)
Marw: Haan?? (rhetorical)
Sher: Huaahhh (Watchya mean Nigga?)
Marw: Matlab (Abey angrezi mat bol…who bhi Bum)
Sher: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Should have purchased a condom)
Marw: Pata nahin yaar (Gira doon??)

Coming back to the original question now…how does this relate to the song lyrics? Well I am a big fan of Kubrick and I totally like to leave the blog open ended…a chance for you guys to rack your brains.

Respect to the two greats…EXCUSHHH ME PUHLEEES!!