Quote...Unquote

I was reading Quote..Unquote on cricinfo and thought that something of that sort can easily be compiled for the numerous hilarious, some not so hilarous quotes by fellow Freaks (+ non Freaks) over a period of time. Call it either lack of motivation to write about my Sedona mountain jeep ride experience or the inclination to come up with something of my own or maybe just compulsive writing to kick-start Freaks Inc's 2007. People have this uncanny ability to surpass Kubrick or sometimes better Kanti when it comes to deep, thoughtful and insightful comments which are utterly meaningless. More often than not it just perplexes the listener and he doesnt know what hit him. Here are a few which I found worth mentioning.
PISTA

"Because...its not easy"

Aup's friend R when being asked why is it so difficult for her to sit at one place and have breakfast

"Basically what they serve is essentially Afghani food"

Aup when asked what do you get at the Afghani restaurant Helmand

KULFI

"Actually..the work which I am going to do at XYZ (my new company) involves a lot of
customer interaction"

Aup when asked how he plans to go about doing the knowledge transfer to his team mates before he leaves his present company

"Arre awesome movie hai.. usme Rajdoot(motorcycle) hai"

Aup's roommate Chintan's first reaction while he came home and Balls was watching Chashme Badhdoor

"Meri jawani badi mast mast hai"

Paave singing to Sabri brothers' legendary tune "Teri Jawani Badi mast mast hai".

BETTER KULFI

"Yaahr..mein subah uthkar ek glass paani pee liya karta hoon "

PuPu when asked if he cares to come out for his daily ritual.

"Haan, nahi..matlab pata nahi yaar"

Marw when asked about his position on road from Baltimore to Philly.

"Apna to baat ho gaya tha naa ?"

Vcd when asked about the target while playing cricket at Aup's Mount Ridge house.

"Arre..aaj mujhe swing, pace, bounce and drift mila. Jab thak gaya to leg-spin daala..usme bhi googly,rippers, turners sab daal saka"

Aup's friend A ruminates over a satisfying day of "rubber-ball" cricket.

"I've left De Rossi to boil in his own soup. He's a fantastic guy but he must change his computer chip"

Marcello Lippi on Daniel De Rossi after the infamous elbowing incident.

THE HOLY GRAIL

"Vivek main tumhare liye apni jaan bhi de sakta hoon...magar mein bhagwaan mein vishwaas nahi rakhta"

Akshay Kumar to Sonu Nigam in Jaani Dushman.. take a bow!

For that matter every dialogue from Gunda is Kantiesque (in the true sense) but we have already had a discussion on that. I hope this is just a start and there are many many more to come.

Lazy Ramblings

For lack of creativity and anything extraordinary to write, I started drooling over a few topics that made the news over the past couple of days - -

1. And Justice for all - Finally Jessica Lall's soul can rest in peace. This really has been a one of a kind case where the Indian media for a pleasant change canvassed the entire re-investigation campaign. Even though the verdict is yet to be passed, the guilty has atleast been made to consume a daily dosage of 'muffins'. I'm all for a 'life sentence' rather than a quick trip to the gallows and beyond. The reason being, Manu Sharma is all of 29 yrs old...young enough to spend his lifetime in jail reminiscing he horrid crime he commited. The thought itself should be good enough to drive anyone insane. Dafa 302 would only liberate him from the impending agony... and a scumball like him doesnt deserve to get such a noble death. Thoughts???

2. Dude looks like a lady - Inspite of all the advances our country has made over the years, its pretty much been a stagnant growth on the sports front. A few that are succesful are hounded by the press, public and (now) doctors alike. Santhi apparently failed a 'gender' test after winning at the Doha Asian games. Its hard to fathom how she (innocent until proven guilty) must be feeling right now. The ignominy that awaits her when she steps into her small destitute village, the shock that her parents must have endured and above all the disappointment of having worked so hard and being stripped off her medal is way beyond contemplation. I'm far from being an expert in these 'chromosome' tests, but I firmly believe that after an initial failure, a 2nd test has to be performed immediately before releasing the story to the media. The way this has been handled right now is pretty pathetic...the damge has already been done. Say for arguement's sake, the tests turn out to be negative, returning the medal would hardly serve as damage control. The pain, suffering, misery and the anguish that the athelete has to go through in that time frame is not something the Olympic Committe would be able to compensate for. The same arguement goes for the drug tests. If the 1st sample indicates presence of banned substabces, tke a 2nd (stool sample) and for cross-reference. I think Santhi should be given a fair chance...comments?

3. Pak Chik Pak Raja Babu - I could not stop laughing at Sreesanth's antics after clobbering the incessant mosquito Nel for a towering six. The gyrations reminded me of a certain Govinda thrusting his pelvic riding a Yezdi in Raja Babu. Sreesanth has joined the elite (but small) group of Indian cricketers who have responded magnificiently after an altercation. Only Prasad (v Sohail) and Harbhajan (v Ponting) spring to mind. But its not all fun and games with we Indians. The ugly face of being on the wrong side of double standards raised its despicable hood again. For all of Nel's chatter (throughout his insignificant career), for all of the Aussie sledging and the Kiwi's 'innocuous' banter, its always the Indians who are reprimanded. I'm not saying Sreesanth is a saint from the temples of Guruvayur but he is as culpable as Nel for the every other ball ball he delivers. I know, its only 30% of his match fees and going by the leverage he would get after this performance (with the ball as well as his balls) its pretty insignificant. But its the same old story of yet another victim which includes elite thugs like Sachin, Dravid, Sehwag and Prasad. Oh and before I sign off...my request for Sreesanth in the next match is a Waltz with Nel...sparks would surely fly :-)!!!

The Three Templates

This cold weather in December and the inability to kill time after work (in some cases at work), always brings out the uber-pensive, moody, introspective individual in me. It doesn't help that the birth-mark L has been etched permanently on my forehead so the high point of the day is usually an after 9 EST worthless chat with fellow Freaks. A plethora of second-standard jokes and leg-pulling sessions ensure that I sleep well only to wake up to another gloomy, lackadaisical rotation round the earth's axis. Balls, Bhaiyya and I were discussing the other day about how we can easily find parallels in each other's present lifestyle and the state of mind that each of us are in. The following templates will sum up our sentiments and give an account of the day to day happenings over the past few weeks.

The work template: Having spent a majority of the day finding out the latest happenings on rediff.com and Kantiesque chatting with each other, it is no suprise that the theme has been g**** pe @ work. Some fortunate people have the luxury of working at home and continuing the good work if you know what I mean. For such people this WFH (Work from home) template will serve really good
"I will be working from home today. I can be reached at xxx-xxx-xxxx or via email"
Since this will be in use more often than not, I find it better to store it as WFH.txt on my desktop and use it as and when needed.One interesting thing to note is that there is no need to give any reason as to why you want to work from home. You may want to just relax, catch a movie, sleep or write a blog for crying out loud. WFH can be used contructively too as you can read each and every article on rediff.com and dicuss about people who have the makings of cult figures.
A typical coversation in the afternoon on a WFH day
Aup: Balls..kya kar raha hai..g**** pe hai ?
Bala: Apna kya hai re..ek mahine se g**** pe hai
Aup:Rediff padha ki nahi ?
Balls: Padha naa..stars who died young..Babbar saab ne bol diya hai.."Smita was an integral part of my life karke"
Aup: Savaal hi nahi hai..also pretty good discussion about Smita Patil, Meena Kumari, Madhubala, Guru Dutt, Geeta Bali, Geeta Dutt, Sanjeev Kumar and K.L Saigal in the "stars who dies young section"
Balls: Haan re..waise Manav Gohil ka chat padha kya
Aup: Nahi re..kya hai woh
Balls: Deliver nahi kar raha hai tu..Manav Gohil is the next best thing on India Telly. Uske maa-baap bhi uske baare mein discuss nahi karte honge.
Aup: Chal re..let me get back to blog and rediff
Balls: Chal..me too.

The ice-breaker template: Over the hill is the sentiment here. Having witnessed a Zimbabwe like performance by our parents in the "ladki" department and our present performance being comparable to India's travails in South Africa, we are pretty much left to do the best we can in corresponding to whatever scraps that come our way.So, here are three templates which would be the way each of us introduce ourselves to the girl
Aup: Hi, I am Aup. People have embellished me with many nicks like Aup Baba, Vhyavhichari, R***baaj and people who cannot find A on the keyboard call me Bup. Neways, jokes apart..(Then a truth-concealed section about what I do..blah blah).I saw your partner expectations section on J****.com and though I am not all of that(I am none actually), I must say that I come pretty close (I must not).I have a feeling(like with everyone else..any girl for that matter) that this can go further (the point being that you are so hot) so I would like to either chat with you or have a conversation on fone. This is my number blah blah... if you feel the same. Take care !

Balls: Now Balls takes as much time to write his introduction as he does to write a blog on one of the concerts that he attends. Well thought-of, "detail oriented" and strikingly used repetitions.Heres what his template. I wont copy his entire template but I will point out the striking repetitions !
"My name is Balakrishnan Ramachandran (Yeh...Americans along with trying to solve the mystery of the Flying Dutchman, are still grappling on how to 'fit' my name onto a Credit Card). U cud address me by Vijay (what they call me at home)"
"I am a complete Bambaiyya at heart and wudnt exchange the Kohinoor diamond for my love towards that city."
"On a more personal front, I've a wicked sense of humor, am a stickler for correct English, a fair cook, a good writer and brilliantly lazy :-)"
"If ur still awake at this juncture, I would like to know more about you...ur interests, ur present work, ur career goals or whatever u are comfortable to put forth initially"

Bhaiyya:

"I am Bhaiyya. I was born in M@#**pur eons ago. I am working as a dejine engineer in Company XXX. I held the same job at my previous company. My responsibilities included library dejine. Yaar..woh jo metal routing hai woh 0.09 micron mein fit karna kaafi mushkil ho jaa raha tha. Vcc se Gnd ka jo hai woh sahi nahi ho raha tha. Communicason chip mein P-Well aur N-Well ka jo hai woh routing behen**** hua merese.Synopsis me ek baar yeh kaam ho gaya to fir Skill mein script likh deta hoon mein..fir sahi saa ho jaata hai. Will you marry me?"
"Khaana badhiya bana leta hoon waise. Favorites to Chilli Chicken aur Palak Paneer hai. Paneer jo hai use halka sa tel mein fry kar leta hoon. Fir palak ko tel ke tadke mein pyaaj aur masalon ke saath halka sa butter mein fry kar leta hoon. Fir dono ko milakar halka sa fry kar leta hoon. Uspar aur 2 liter tel daalkar "cheeej" daal deta hoon. Usse madar**** Palak Paneer ban jaata hai. Mujhse lagan karogi kya?"

The congratulatory email template: Given our penchant for "detail-orientation" and everyday discussans on trivial happenings on rediff, it is no surprise that we are still hunting for our better halves.We can't help but stare at the multitude finding their life partners while we are left to write congratualtory emails to everyone on every such occurance. So, a congratulatory email template is a must for people like us

Engagement : "Hi XYZ,Many many congratulations to you on finding our partner. I wish you all the best as you embark on the next step with him/her. I wish I could be by your side on such a huge occasion in your life. Take care and I'll see you once you are back from India"
Marriage: "Hi XYZ, please accept my heartiest congratulations on tying the knot. It is a surreal moment for me to see you guys being friends before and taking your relationship to the next level. I wish you all the best in our endeavors and hope that in each others company you find happiness, peace and contentment for days to come" + second part of engagement template.

So, thats it in a nutshell. It is fitting that this blog has been the high-point today as I am WFH...a day well spent ! So when my boss congratulates me on giving this gift to the blogging community tomorrow by telling me that why don't I become a full time blogger, I will have to tell him
"Blogger ki wardi nahi pehni to kya hua saab..kaam to blogger ka hi kiya hai naa"
and then the legendary
"Kisi ne sach hi kaha hai..baap pe poot, pita pe ghoda..kuch nahi to thoda thoda"

-Aup

Ek, Do, Chaar, Chhe, Dus...BUS!

Reading vcd's "About me" had me in splits yesterday. Its really a shame that Freaks doesn't have a post on its Cult movie. A movie that had dislodge the Cults status of LSA2SB and Snatch with shameless ease. There have been just too many reviews and blogs written on Gunda...so i would like to refrain from the same as I'm pressed for time (well its good to shoot off a lie every now an then) and I wouldn't be able to add my 2 cents to a low hanging fruit (thank u Phatak).

So I started writing this blog with a view to get people's fav dialogue from Gunda (If u havent watched the movie...BURN IN HELL!). Let me start off with my fav dialogue...mouthed by the legendary Mukesh Rishi on seeing his slutty sis raped (yeh the one with - face Sonali, taangein Raveena, aankhen Karishma) molested and cold on top of a 'haathgaadi'.

Munni meri behen munni ... To tu mar gayi? Lambu aata ne tujhe lamba kar diya? Maachis ki tilli ko khamba kar diya?
Arrey mere dil maine kya kya armaan the tere liye...
Maine to tere liye 300 chokre dekhe the...Woh bhi ekdum chikne...
Jo tujhe bhaata wohi tera pati bantha!
Magar tu to katela gurda yaani ki murda ho gayi!

Long Live the legendary Cult movie...waiting for some hilarious comments :-)

License to Kill

Caution: Spoilers Ahead

After a strenuous week at work, I decided to treat myself with a movie. The options at that time were Babel, Casino Royale and the much acclaimed and hated Borat. But, by the time, I left work, the only option available to see was Casino Royale. A Bond movie and having seen all the previous ones, I just had to watch it. I guess, its not so much about the movie or the story but to be able to see all of them. Infact, I have also seen the 1967 spoof of the Bond Movie which has the same name and has the comic genius Peter Sellers as Bond himself.

So what does one expect from a Bond movie, Daredevil and earth defying action, Bond Girls who ooze with sexuality, Bond Villains who have larger than life roles and grandeur plans to rule the world, Car chases which would put mere mortals in awe. And yet, I watch it with all the fascination I can muster. Maybe just to be in a world where it is possible to defeat evil single handedly, maybe to see the world more as a touch of black and white, not having shades of grey.

Yet, I decided to go to the movie to watch all the gadgets, the fascinating cars, the sensuous Bond girls and villains who I would admire them for their plots. But I was pleasantly surprised. This movie is the adaptation of Ian Fleming's first James Bond Novel of the same name published in 1953. But, it is not the same plot. The broad plot is intermixed with today's realities. While the original plot was based on the cold war rivalry between Russia and the West. This was different.

This movie starts at a time where Bond does not have a 00 status. This is a vintage Bond, who is a normal spy and uses his bare hands and his stamina to kill people. We do not see a spectacular mission to set of the movie, but a subdued monochromatic scene where he kills a double agent while reminiscing his first kill. He doesn't waste time on melodrama but clinically kills the enemy like an assassin would do. This scene is a sets the pace of the movie. It is going to be different than all other Bond Movies so far.

This movie is different from all other movies in many different ways. It has the reality of blood money from Africa to the shadow world of terrorism to smooth operators who converts their funds to legitimate means in quite a believable way. The movie does not have glamorous Bond girls and neither the elaborate sex romps which are a hallmark of Bond's persona, but divulges more of Bond the man and his thoughts. There are hardly any swimsuit shots and the one scene is actually a long shot.

Another significant aspect of the movie shows Bond to be not perfect as embodied by Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan before. This movie gives a glimpse of the way Bond thinks about women. Infact, it is the movie where Bond falls in love and is ultimately betrayed. Bond commits mistakes and at times questions his own judgment. The movie does not have the characters in white or black but shades of grey, self doubt, sacrifice, selfishness and this includes even the love interest of James Bond - Vesper Lynd. Sarcasm and Wit are the hallmark of Lynd's character without showing a hint of skin. Bond attempts to charm her to bed but is torn apart with his real feelings for her.

This is a movie, where M is shown to have a family and is not afraid to reign in James Bond if required. She does not give in to the recklessness to Bond while also acting as shrink to Bond. Q or his successor is notably absent from the movie. Total absence of a car chase which again like the swimsuit is over before it started. But its a phase in Bond's career where he moves on from being rough to being sophisticated. But its a 3 hour movie which is almost riveting, thrilling without having all the aspects of a Bond Movie. Daniel Craig cannot be compared to either Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan but a more believable Bond and is in his own class.

While it does not have outrageous stunts but it has Bond cleaning up his own blood after an encounter to being the suave gentleman to saying the last line of the movie, "The Bitch is dead". It is truly a different Bond movie having a grittier Bond.

The Inexplicable

Disclaimer: The following material is offensive. If you dislike scathing attacks and mud-slinging please speak up so that I can remove you from the blog roll.

As I got off the phone with Balls this evening, I started thinking about a topic to blog. The Kantiesque blog which Balls and I had thought about a few weeks ago had been shelved due to lack of time, creativity and refusal to pen about something chimerical.The impending Monday morning blues had already started creeping into my mind and that, compounded with the perpetual school sleep cycle, meant that I was wallowing in my bed, ruminating about another wasted weekend. Thats when I picked up the fone to check if someone would be awake. Since it was 1 AM EST already the only target was Bhaiyya.
Now it is a known fact that Bhaiyya loses a bit of his mojo or whatever it is when he breathes even an iota of West Coast air. Fathom this.. Bhaiyya has moved to the West Coast now and is breathing all there is to breathe of that air.So our complaints are totally justified and vindicated with Bhaiyya's idiosyncasies over the past few weeks. Here is a transcript of our conversation and ofcourse some things won't be disclosed to maintain it's sanctity (just like pixelated nude scenes on Star Movies)

The start:
Bhaiyya: Hmmmmmm...(long pause)...Aup Baba ki Jai Ho
Aup: Aayushyaman Bhava putr..jeete raho
Bhaiyya: Kya chal raha hai ? (Bhaiyya's trivial and first question)
Aup: Ku.. (interrupted by Bhaiyya)
Bhaiyya: Aaj khaana banaya re jabardast.
Aup: Tu aise trivial cheezein kyoon batate rehta hai ?
Bhaiyya: Arre nahi re.. (starts 10,000 times repeated dialogue) Roj Khaana to Aunty banati hai naa..aaj maine banaya..badhiya bana tha

The middle:
At this point the conversation shifts to how much the girls' looks matter in an arranged marriage and Bhaiyya's incessant FAQs hit the roof. I try to crack a joke on that and end up shooting myself in the foot. Bhaiyya dissects the joke and asks me meanings of a few words along the way raping the joke in his own inimitable way. Then follows a discourse about how he finds it very easy to rate a girl on her looks and cannot comment about guys in the same vein. My question becomes diluted to the point of being rhetorical and I exhort Bhaiyya to leave the thread and start the next.
Aup: Weekend mein Suraj aur Samir aaye hue the..(trying to continue)
Bhaiyya(interrupting again) : Tu paach baar bata chuka hai.
Aup: Arre..mujhe khatam to karne de..kutte ke tarah movies dekha hum logon ne.
Bhaiyya (now surpassing Alok ): Matlab haath aur pair uppar karke "hah..hah..hah" karke dekha kya.
I just keep silent ignoring his remark and let him know the sheer naivete of his remark.
Aup: Neways..Babel dekha hum logon ne..kaafi achchi movie hai..dekh kabhi time mile to
Bhaiyya ( in Bihari mode): Spelling batayega jara ?
Then there are a few more questions..then some "hmmmms" and long pauses and then again a few more questions.

The abrupt end:
Suddenly, as its known in Bhaiyya's recent phone conversations, he keeps quiet and there is not a word uttered in 2 mins. Though this is nothing new, I still ask him
Aup: Tu net surf kar raha hai kya ?
Bhaiyya: Hmmmm (long pause)
Aup:(thinking..Duh.. he was surfing the net all the way long)
Again there is silence for another 2 minutes (no violins playing in the background here). Bhaiyya totally on the fence a la Marw.
Aup: Chal theek hai yaar call karta hoon kal.
Bhaiyya: Chal theek hai..good Night

Has this become a regular thing or is it just me? A conversation with Bhaiyya nowadays lacks the subtle "nuisances" of caustic humor and witty sarcasm of yore. All that is dished out is a plethora of questions, a repeated account of trivial, inconsequential happenings accompanied with sporadic communication breakdown due to a total refusal of speech.
WHHHHYYY ? ......(Silence)

P.S:
The abrupt end was synonymous to the end of a phone conversation with Bhaiyya.

Letter to the Sedator

Dear Mr. Sedator (Greg Chappell),

I was appalled and disappointed with the recent effort by the Indian team in a bid to reach the semifinals of the Mini World Cup. The stage was set for an epic clash at picturesque Mohali. You could see the striking lush green carpet set to the backdrop of beautiful sunflower fields in Punjab yearning for an emotional revenge saga…ala Yash Chopra canvas for many of his one-horse tales. The stadium was split right down the middle: the villainous Aussies having a savage go at each other at the practice pitches, while the coy Indians practicing the age native old warm-up techniques with Kho-Kho. It was a day when D(r)avid was to slay Goliath armed with your unique training methods completely inspired by Rocky Balboa training with gigantic lumber and pounding on Anvil in Rocky 4. But alas…they didn’t have ‘Adrian’ by their side…instead they had a whiny old gaffer in you, Mr.Greg Chappell. Well the only thing common to Rocky 4 and our match was: Where Rocky brought down the Russian Ivan Drago, the Aussies brought down our pants. The search should be on for new training techniques…

Frankly I don’t blame you Mr.Chappell. It’s been 3 years since we defeated the mighty Australians. Everything from passing batons while blindfolded, living in tents and army drills hasn’t worked. You thought a strenuous game of kho-kho would likely be the best way to prepare to beat a team you haven’t defeated in more than a 1000 days. It’s a totally different matter altogether that one of your best batsman is probably is out for over 4 months and as a side-note not to forget that we got drubbed. Practice injuries are part and parcel of the modern game…and you don’t see SRK practicing Kho-Kho in the sunflower fields of Punjab…coz it a MAN’s game. You see what I’m getting at??? Greg - You wanted to instill togetherness and manhood into the squad (and im not talking abt a gay orgy here). Unfortunately though, Kho-Kho didn’t work…but here are some of my suggestions which could be inculcated into your unique training regime:

1. Langdi – I can foresee langdi becoming a huge part of our practice session…and I have good reasons to believe so. A good portion of our ‘core’ players are over the hill viz. Sachin, Dravid, Klums, VVS (well fitness wise he was over the hill even on his debut). It is but natural for these players to suffer from cramps, hamstring pull etc during the course of a match. By regularly practicing langdi, they can show the world that they are a force to reckon with even on one leg. ‘Langdi sprints’ can improve running between the wickets under such circumstances. 10 yrs down the line I can foresee Sehwag trying to sell a Nimbus Production DVD “Langdability” to youngsters on TV – Kids, you want to know the secret behind my longevity in cricket? Watch the screen and you will understand why (Sehwag performing langdi..trying to catch a snail). Well kids don’t be distracted by my bouncing bosom…call now to receive this great TV offer…1800-LANGDI. Operators are standing by to whisk your father’s hard earned money.
   

2. Lagori – Lagori has a gazillion advantages over most of the warm-up routines employed nowadays. First of all, scattering the stones requires pinpoint accuracy which comes in handy for tight direct hit situations. Secondly the quick sprints to gather the stones improves agility and reflexes…ultimately helping in pinching a quick second run. Third and most importantly, avoiding the opponent players throw while you are busy arranging the stones acts as the perfect simulation to evading some really mean bouncers. And as a side note: after the stones are arranged, chanting ‘Lagori…lagori…lagori’ in unison, aides in more vociferous and intimidating appeals to the umpire.
   

3. Chor-Police (Not the chit version) - After all the physically strenuous practice sessions, chor-police would act a good brain cruncher to aid mental toughness. My proposal to you would be to split the team into two: Bowlers (Chor) and Batsmen (Police). The reason behind such a demarcation is for the bowlers to pose a tough and mean exterior and the batsmen to gain style and panache. Guys like Dravid and Sachin can act as the leaders of the Police force (Inspectors) and can foster the younger players like Raina and Dhoni (who can be Havaldars). Sehwag can be the ‘ek-mineet ke liye paan lene gaya tha’ Traffic Police. Similarly for the bowlers, the senior bowlers can be the Gang leaders (Unfortunately for us with Ajit as the most senior bowler, the gang is hardly intimidating).
   

I hope my suggestions are given due thought. It is my solemn pledge that un-wavering adherence to such a practice regime would physically and mentally toughen up our team, achieve unheralded success in the face of sky-high expectations and above all save your job. If you want to avoid the unfortunate situation of having to post your resume on Monster.com, please do give my letter a fair and just reading.

Sincerely,

Balakrishnan.